This evening I had just finished making our Tuesday lunches and getting everything cleaned before a night full of college championship football and The Bachelor, when out of nowhere I had the most intense abdominal cramping of my entire life. You have to understand that I'm known in my family for being slightly dramatic. I always think a new rash or itch or painful joint is "the big one" and I'm about to be diagnosed with some mystery disease like on Grey's Anatomy. I work for a doctor, and one time my finger was hurting so I had it x-rayed, and he looked at the xray and said, "Hmmm..." and I slightly freaked out thinking OMG THIS IS REALLY IS. He told me, "Yep, that's what I thought. You have hypochondriasis."
That was fun.
So, tonight when my belly button started feeling like it was being squeezed from the inside, my abdomen below my belly button started burning and tightening and sort of swelling, I couldn't stand up straight, and I was crying, this is what went through my head:
-This is probably appendicitis.
-Ok, it's probably not appendicitis.
*Googles "abdominal pain"*
-Ohhh maybe it's a kidney stone.
-Hahaha, "kidney stoooooones."
-Okay OW, it hurts to laugh.
*Googles "abdominal pain when I laugh"*
-Really, this could just be bad gas?
-I can't walk. There's no way this is just really violent gas.
-Maybe it's a hernia.
-Maybe my stomach is ACTUALLY exploding.
-Maybe it's my gall bladder.
*Googles "where is your gall bladder located"*
-Ok so it's not my gall bladder.
-I wonder if this is like that scene in Alien where the alien explodes out of the person's stomach.
-I wonder if Alien is a good movie.
-I wonder if something is actually coming out of me right now.
-OMG what if I'm actually giving birth right now.
-There is no way I could do an unmedicated birth.
-How do people give birth without being drugged.
-I'm probably not ACTUALLY giving birth right now.
*Googles "how do I know if I'm giving birth"*
-I can totally be on "I didn't know I was pregnant."
-Maybe Keith should boil some water.
-NONE OF MY TOWELS ARE CLEAN!
-Ok I'm probably not giving birth unless you give birth out of your butt.
-If Keith has to take me to the hospital in the middle of the college championship he's never going to forgive me.
-Maybe I should pack a go bag.
-My phone is nowhere near charged enough for me to spend the night in the hospital.
*Googles "Can a fart kill you"*
And then, after an hour of literal gut wrenching abdomen pain, 30 ml of Pepto Bismol, and some tears, the pain began to subside and I think I'm going to live and I also decided I was not in surprise labor. Seriously though, this is what I get after I cut out soda and coffee and replaced it with water and green tea???