Thursday, May 29, 2014

The Only Barefoot Bridesmaid

I don't know what I did, but I must have pissed off the universe. Have I mentioned that I'm in a wedding on Saturday? Oh my god, Juliette, shut up about the stupid wedding. We get it. There's a wedding. Well I'll shut up about it next week after I do a whole blog post about it so you can just chill for a little bit and calm yourself. Geez. Somebody is a little wound up.
Ok, so anyway, for this wedding I need nude wedges. That shouldn't be a problem, right? I mean, nude wedges are SUPER in right now. I see them all over Pinterest, in all the store windows, on girls' feet all over the place... I was not concerned even a little bit, which is why I put off looking for nude wedges until three days before the wedding. 
So, on my lunch break yesterday I went downtown to a few botique-y stores that have never let me down in the shoe department. Guess what they did yesterday? THEY LET ME DOWN IN THE SHOE DEPARTMENT. At first I was like, "Ok, no big deal. I'll just go to another store." Then it was sort of comical... like really, none of these stores have nude wedges?
Oh wait, let me tell you about my town. See, we don't have a mall. Like, at all. Growing up, the closest Wal Mart was 40 minutes away and the closet mall was an hour away, and it was a piece of crap mall. Things have changed, like we still don't have a mall but I do live 5 minutes away from a new Target so that's pretty cool. Oh and Target didn't have nude wedges either. I checked TWICE. They did have champagne though.
Anyway, so I'm going around and around downtown and then to the Old Navy and the Kohl's and even TJ Maxx and then I was SO DESPERATE that I went to my absolute least favorite store of all time: Ross. I hate Ross. Sorry if you like it (ahem, LINDSAY), but I've just always always always hated it. Our smells like stale urine and I hate it.
At the end of the day I had gone to 14 different stores and had zero luck. FOURTEEN. FOURTEEN STORES FOR SHOES AND NOTHING. And remember how shopping is my least favorite thing? Yesterday basically sucked. So I went home and drank champagne and painted my nails and watched Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows I and life was ok... except I didn't have time to finish packing or anything and now I'm a little stressed.
SO. This morning I was like, "Oh, I'll be driving through Santa Barbara on my way down and I can go to a Macy's. I'm SURE they'll have nude wedges. It's MACY'S."
They did. They actually have two pairs that I really like, and I can't figure out how to save a picture so if you really want to see them then here is the link for my favorite and here is the link for my second favorite. But I like the first favorite a LOT more than the second favorite. You would think that life is all good, right? Like, cool, I found some shoes, I have nothing to worry about. HAHAHHA.
I called Macy's because I felt like being responsible and guess what? They are out of my first favorite pair. So I called a second Macy's and they are ALSO out of that shoe. Are you SERIOUS???
So on my drive down today I have to stop and look at the shoes and pray to sweet Baby Jesus that they A) fit, and B) look even sort of decent. I'm a little nervous because what if they look awful and I'm the only barefoot bridesmaid? I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be allowed to be in the wedding if that happened. So please cross your fingers for me.
Also I need to know why all of the shoes have the STUPID platform. I mean these shoes are like 6" tall and that would make me a towering 6' 3" and that's just TOO FREAKING MUCH. I get that there are people like Jessica Simpson and Hayden Panettiere who are like 4 inches tall and need the height but NOT EVERYBODY DOES. I think there should be an option: platform or no platform? Is this shoe for a midget, an average heighted person, or a giant? COME ON.
I'm just tired of being on the JWoww side of this equation.
Also, today is Keith's birthday. Hooray!
Except that means I have to like, be extra nice or something.
Life is hard.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Shallow and deep confessions

Vodka and Soda

// As of like 6:38 this morning I officially live alone. Jacey is moving to Ohio for the summer and I will miss her more than I can say but at the same time I've always wanted to live alone so I'm excited for that. But just now Faith told me she's afraid I'll go all Kevin McCallister and order cheese pizza and slide down the stairs on a mattress like a sled. But her worry is for naught because I don't like cheese pizza. It will be bacon pizza.

//Yesterday I went over to my Grandma's house for lunch and when I walked in she was asleep in her chair but I had a momentary freak out that she wasn't asleep... if you know what I mean. She's 98, it's a legitimate fear, and this post has taken a depressing turn all of a sudden.

// I am in a wedding in four days and I still need nude wedges. I google searched "nude wedges" but I accidentally typed in "nude wedgies" and you just can't come back from seeing stuff like that.

// Also... that wedding? I'm officially dreading having to wear a strapless dress for the whole day but instead of like, doing some physical activity or arm workouts or even drinking a lot of water to make myself feel better I'm just watching Netflix and still playing 2048. I hate my body right now but I hate even more that I haven't been doing anything about it. And that's as much complaining as I'm going to do about that because I hate it when people complain but don't try to change and I don't want to be that person.
// I might have a hickey. Or I just wanted to be able to use this gif.
// There have been 20+ spam comments on one of my posts from a few months ago and they are cracking me up. They're all talking about love spells. Like these "women" are writing about how their husbands were going to leave them but then they met this "doctor" who cast a spell on their husband and now their marriages are better than ever. At first it was annoying but now it's just hilarious to me.
// I HATED Anchorman 2 with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns, but I think I hated The Monuments Men even more.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

I got my face shaved

Long weekends are one of my very favorite thing, so in other words I am just like everybody else. On Friday I left town at 2pm to head down south because remember, I had big plans to hang out with Keith and his parents and to not hit his mom in the crotch with a golf ball. Want to feel like you were in the car with me? Well just imagine listening to Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban on CD for 5 1/2 hours and driving through NOTHING and you'll have a pretty good idea of what it was like.

There is a funny story at the end. But don't skim because I'LL KNOW.

But really. Driving through NOTHING.

OH WAIT it wasn't ALL nothing because in the middle of all the nothing there was a random taco truck and I passed it and then had to turn around to take a picture for the internet. I wanted to stop but it looked too rapey for my taste. I mean sure that van had windows but that tint is super dark and sketchy.

But then FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY I made it up the mountain to Keith's house and we ate dinner and watched so much Jeopardy and all was right in the world because duh, Alex Trebek. 


I didn't know this, but apparently it's like, a thing for towns to do town-wide yard sales, and it's a big deal and people get really excited for it. The town next to my hometown does this and I didn't know that until very recently. I think they need to find a better PR person. Anyway, Keith and his parents love these yard sales so we had big plans to find all kinds of treasures on Saturday. And by "we" I mean "they" because I have never been yard sale-ing and I'm not good at haggling but I had no problem with going and hanging out. And it was a lot of fun until



Keith likes to do this thing where he buys and wears clothes that most people wouldn't want to be seen in. He recently bought a pair of bright red shoes (pictured) because he thought I would hate them (because that's what you do when you care about somebody) but jokes on him because I actually really like them. HA. But anyway, we were at this one yard sale and the lady had this huge rack of jackets and shirts and of course Keith found the absolute ugliest jacket in the world and the lady said he could have it for $1 (I actually think she would have paid him to take it) and he refused to take it off for the rest of the day.

I don't like to use this phrase but you guys, I literally cannot.

Then his parents were looking at plants and I have the opposite of a green thumb and Keith couldn't care less about plants so we went for a little walk and climbed some rocks and took some pictures and it turns out this picture could also double for a "what half of my face would look like without an eyebrow" picture. Also there's the jacket. Also you can't see the background which really pisses me off because it's super pretty.


There are so many "And then's" in this post and I'm sorry if that's annoying but it's just the way it is.

So, and then we went to Lake Arrowhead and went shopping and bought some shirts. If you remember, I hate shopping so neither of the shirts were for me. I spent about 11 seconds looking for some shoes for the wedding I'm in this weekend but then I got bored so we looked at more button-downs for Keith. Memorial Day sales are amazing things and these shirts were like 80% off and I may not be a shopper but I know a good deal when I see one.

Look at the lake.

A few other things that I don't have pictures for but I need to share...

Keith had been staring at my face a lot on Saturday. I kept saying, "What are you looking at?" because it was borderline excessive and creepy. He kept replying, "Nothing," so I just figured that either A) I had something on my face, or B) he just wanted to be romantic and stare at me.

I was wrong.

Later in the day we were just relaxing and he looked at me and said some of the most terrifying words that can ever come out of anybody's mouth:

"Can I tell you something without you getting mad at me?"
My thought process was this. HELL NO. Do I smell? Is there something on my face? Is there something in my teeth? Did he find a white hair? Do I have a huge zit?

I was wrong. He said, "Never mind," because I kind of hid my head under a blanket and said "NO YOU CANNOT AND NOW I AM PARANOID." But then finally he said,

"It's just that you have some REALLY long hairs coming out of your cheek and I think you should let me shave them."

Finally he convinced me to let him shave my face and I was pissed.


Which is a lie because I had just shaved my mustache the night before but he didn't need to know that.

THEN we went to his parents' house on Sunday and he brought up my face whiskers and now my nickname is "Whiskas." Like the cat food.

Joke's on him though, because later he asked me to cut his hair for him and I've NEVER cut a guy's hair before and I accidentally gave him a little bald spot above his ear and now I'm never allowed to cut his hair again.

Oh darn.

Friday, May 23, 2014

Things That Make Me Stabby

I've been wanting to write about all the things that irritate me for like 2 weeks now but I also didn't really want to just be a complainer but today I feel well rested and still a little stabby so complaining it is. Also a couple of other people did their own versions of this post with the exact same title so I'm really just unoriginal but I don't care.

Oh also I'm hanging out with Keith and his parents this weekend and it makes me a little nervous even though they're some of the nicest people in the whole world and I've already hung out with them, but like what if I hit his mom in the crotch with a golf ball again?

Moving on.

...I got a little stabby last night when I went to Food 4 Less and my favorite Andre champagne had gone up in price again. It used to be like $3.98 and then it was $4.48 and now it's $4.98 and I'm no economist but I think this is due to inflation or supply and demand. It's also really stupid and when I tried to explain my frustration to the Food 4 Less lady she just walked away. It was just like this:
...I get a little stabby whenever a certain person in my life hints that he or she would like a cup of coffee but instead of just asking, "Do you mind getting me a cup of coffee, please?" He or she will say things like, " that coffee maker still working?" "WOW I AM TIRED I SURE WISH I HAD A CUP OF COFFEE!" "Do you have coffee? I wish I had coffee." Just ASK for the coffee. Just. freaking. ASK.

...I get stabby that Olivia Pope can drink wine and eat popcorn for dinner and still look the way she does. Look at her face right here, she's like, "Yeah I know, what about it?" Ugh.

...I'm a little stabby because I don't have Olivia Pope's wine glasses.... and because I know if I did I would just knock them over a lot. As Sami said, "It's just too much stem," or something like that. BUT if I do want them, I just have to click on this link.

...I'm a little stabby that Keith found kittens in a storm drain yesterday and didn't keep them for me even though I begged and begged. "It's not the right time," he texted. Whatever.

...I'm stabby that I don't have Olivia Pope's bedroom. I'm NOT stabby that I don't have a creepy stalker watching me hang out in my robe via hidden camera. I can totally do without that, even if it is Noel from Felicity.
...I got stabby last night when I ate some edamame and it tasted funky and I had just bought it on Wednesday so it shouldn't have been funky, but it was. Life is hard.

...I get stabby whenever my underwear is too tight, which incidentally is happening right now.

...I get stabby when I'm at home and my phone decides to connect to our neighbor's crappy internet instead of our good internet and then Netflix just STOPS right in the middle of Scandal/House of Cards.

...I get stabby when I wear socks that fall off my feet.

...I get stabby when people in the grocery store or Target take up an ENTIRE aisle with their cart and their person and just ignore everyone around them and I have to gently nudge their cart and say:

And now let's link up so I can hear the song I just referenced.
(Kind of explicit I think. You've been warned.)
Move Bitch (feat. Mystikal & I-20) by Ludacris on Grooveshark

Meet Gayle, from A Gayle Force!
Ok first of all... GAYLE HAS A HEDGEHOG. And a dog, Louie, but I'm a little obsessed with Henrietta the hedgehog and I need more of her in my life. Gayle is currently planning her wedding (yay!) to Erich and writes about eating at IHOP, things that are stupid (which I love because it fits in so well with my post today!), and all of the things that make her happy. Well, 32 of them, at least. Gayle can also tapdance, and I for one would really appreciate a tapdancing vlog. Can you get on that, Gayle? So now that you know all of these things, go ahead and stalk befriend Gayle on all the social media!

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Sarcasm and Curls

Today I have a treat for you guys: You don't have to sit through a post where I ramble on about my nails or Scandal or hiking, because I have Melanie from Sarcasm and Curls doing most of the talking! I asked her some questions and am posting them on the interwebs for everybody to see. Melanie is a self-proclaimed social media addict (me too! me too!) and shopaholic, a part time therapist, and is wonderfully sarcastic (my favorite). So read along and then go show Melanie some love, got it? Good.

- How long have you been blogging and how did you come up with your blog name?

​ I've been blogging inconsistently for 3 years. When coming up with a blog name, I first chose something that you see everywhere. When I got a little more into it, I changed it to something that I decided described me perfectly- my curly hair and my sarcastic humor. ​

(I love sarcasm. We're going to get along very well.)

- What is your favorite book (or author, if you can't choose)?

​ Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas by James Patterson. It's the best love story that tugs at your heartstrings and makes you cry. I've read it more times than I can remember. ​

(I have been trying to think of the name of this book for MONTHS!! It's one of my favorites also... just thinking about it makes me tear up a little. I think it's time for a re-read.)

- You have $5k to spend on anything except bills. What do you buy?

​ Clothes. And a designer purse or two. And shoes galore. And more Silpada jewelry.

(What is this Silpada jewelry?? I must find out.........*20 minutes later* OHHHH YES.)

- We're going to happy hour (YAY)! What do you order?

​ ​Something fruity. I don't have one go-to drink, and I try something different all the time. Anything fruity works for me.

(We are going to get along very well... and when we hang out I'll give you a fruity ninja mimosa.)

- Do you have any strange hidden talents?

​ I've thought about this for quite awhile. And I came up with nothing. Except possibly...I can take anything you say and turn it into something negative about me. I wear my heart on my sleeve and always get my feelings hurt...even if it is NOT about me. ​

- Favorite post you've written?

​ ​Reasons I'm Not A Real Blogger

we are the same person.. especially regarding the OOTDs.)

- You're from Kentucky, but would you want to live anywhere else? Why or why not?

​ Of course I would live somewhere else! Anywhere...Texas, Florida, Hawaii. But my favorite would be Boston. I love the New England area with a passion. It's beautiful!​

(I've never been to the New England area but I want to so so bad. Please move there so I can come visit and stay in your spare room.)

​-If you could trade lives with anyone for a day, who would it be? 

Jessica Biel. Because she's married to Justin Timberlake and whoa.

(You chose the correct answer.)

-It's the weekend and you don't have any commitments... where would I find you and what would you be doing? 

If it's the summer, I'm at the lake on the boat. If it's not summer, I'm home, in my pjs, on a Netflix binge.


-What's something you've always wanted to do but haven't been able to yet? 

Travel outside of the country. I need a beach in the Bahamas or exploring a country in Europe to be in my future soon.

(I've never done that either!! I've always wanted to but haven't had the chance. I think this is something that we both need to make happen ASAP.)


Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Why can't I be Olivia Pope?

Vodka and Soda

I confess...
//That seeing Lisa and Cortney's super blonde hair over the weekend just really made me want to bleach the crap out of my own hair. It's been 11 months since I've done anything to my hair and I think it's time for a change.
//Usually I cut my fingernails whenever I see white on the tips. I hate it when they break and when they're uneven so my solution is to just keep them really really short. But I've been letting them grow and they're surprisingly strong and long and I'm obsessed with them and last night I made Jacey stare at them like 5 different times and that may have been a little excessive but whatever. Now if I could just figure out how to get my cuticles to not look like trash... that'd be great.

You're welcome for this picture. I know you were dying to see my nails.
I need to be more like what's her name right here, I think.

//I started watching season 3 of Scandal on Monday and I only have 5 episodes left and OH MY GOSH THIS IS INSANE I CAN'T HANDLE IT. Also I noticed that in the middle of the season Olivia changed the side she parts her hair on and I just really need to know WHY.
//That I did laundry over the weekend and now it's all just in a pile on my papasan chair and I sift through it when I'm trying to find stuff to wear. Folding clothes and hanging them up is just a lot of effort when I have episodes of Scandal to watch.
//That I could really go for some crinkle cut fries fro the hot dog place down the street. They're the best.
Meet Blake, from One Eighty!
One Eighty is where Blake writes about anything and everything - which is perfect for a lifestyle blog! She recently got back from her sister's wedding in Hawaii (I'm jealous), and you can see pictures from that trip here. Blake wrote a fantastic post about being thankful that was so heartfelt and made me think about some of the things in my own life for which I am thankful. Another post I loved was this one where she talked about her thoughts on relationships. So hop on over to One Eighty and say hi to Blake, and don't forget to go ahead and follow her social media accounts as well!

Monday, May 19, 2014

Bachelorette Party Weekend... pictures and stories

I have so many pictures and so many stories to show and tell and you guys, I am so tired right now because that's what happens when you wake up at 2:15am and then proceed to drive 250 miles and then get to work at 6:59 in the am. Let's begin.

We have to start with a picture of my niece because she's the cutest thing ever and she's doing this thing where she sucks her lips in when she smiles and it kills me every time. Look at this and then go ahead and scroll down because there's so much information to share with you.

I was in Orange County over the weekend for my old roommate's bridal shower and bachelorette party. So Friday after work I headed down the coast and it was beautiful and I stopped at In N Out and every single part of me was very very happy.

The shower was on Saturday and I had my outfit all picked out but then I didn't plan my underthings very well so I had to wear a black maxi skirt and a sweater and I was SO hot... not sexy hot but temperature hot. And sweating. Not even a beautiful "glisten," but full on "I can feel the droplets going down my back." TMI? No such thing on here. Cortney's future mother-in-law hosted the shower at her home and it was BEAUTIFUL. It looked like Pinterest barfed all over everything. Plus there was a mimosa bar so I was in heaven. And there was a pool so we could dip our feet in there.

I learned a very valuable lesson over the weekend: pay very close attention to the bridal shower invitation because there are different kinds of showers and you're supposed to buy different gifts for the different kinds. There can be regular showers, where you buy regular things off the registry; or kitchen showers, where you write a recipe and give the bride household products; or there can be a lingerie shower, where you give the bride LINGERIE.

The invitation said the shower was "Naughty or Nice." In my genius mind that means "Oh, it's naughty if you want to bring lingerie but it's nice if you want to get something off the registry. Ok I can totally do this." So I skedaddled over to Bed Bath and Beyond and when I saw that Cortney had registered for a fancy toilet plunger I was like, "YES YES I MUST BUY HER THIS." So I wrapped it up and stuck a note on it that said, "You're taking the plunge... into marriage!" Faith gets all the credit for that.

I was feeling pretty proud of my gift but then the gift opening portion of the shower came and Corntey started opening up boxes and bags filled with lovely nighties, bras, and panties, and I sucked down my mimosa and whispered to the girl sitting next to me, "Is this a LINGERIE shower??" And when she said, "Uhhh yeah," I promptly went and refilled my mimosa and proceeded to die of embarrassment.

BECAUSE I GAVE HER A TOILET PLUNGER AT HER LINGERIE SHOWER. If there is an opposite of "sexy lingerie" I'm pretty sure it's "toilet plunging."

Thankfully she [said she] thought it was funny, and I pretended like I didn't care, but you guys? I TOTALLY CARED AND I'M STILL NOT OVER IT.

Take a look at this photo. It's Lisa, Cortney, and me. This photo make me realize two things: 1) that I REALLY miss being as blonde as the two of them, and 2) that I need to work on my photo editing skills because I succeeded in making my nose completely invisible. BUT I also succeeded in only showing one of my chins so you just have to take your wins where you can.

After the shower the 8 of us in the bridal party headed down to Huntington Beach (where gas is actually under $4/gallon!) to go to dinner and play bachelorette party games in the hotel. We drank some champagne in the hotel and primped for a few hours and then headed out to dinner at this delicious Mexican restaurant called Sol.

You're welcome for the pictures.

I know what the people want.

This place had the most expensive delicious margaritas I have ever tasted. The first one I had was some fancy mango one and there was something spicy on the rim but I have no clue what it was but it was delicious. SO DELICIOUS.

The next one I had tasted like a watermelon Jolly Rancher and holy YUM. I ignored my food because I was so busy enjoying the margaritas, and I fully intended on drinking more champagne in the room and eating cold tacos at midnight but I COMPLETELY FORGOT and I feel like a failure.

There were many many inadvertent sexual comments made during dinner but I can't repeat them because I don't need any more weird search terms leading people to my blog. I've already got people finding my blog because they're googling stuff about being "really in love with my cousin what to do" and the madness just needs to stop.

Basically it was "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID" every four seconds.

We played some games after dinner and I feel like I can't tell you what they were because they were pretty inappropriate. One was a version of pin the tail on the donkey but you didn't pin a tail on a donkey... you had to kiss a poster. You can probably figure out what the poster was. The next one was a ring toss game where we had to secure a very phallic object on our head and somebody else tried to toss a ring on it.

It was really hard. twss.

There were 7 of us in the room ... and 2 beds. But we're girls, and we're problem solvers. So we had one person sleep on the floor and then we had 3 people cram into each bed. I was in the middle of one of the beds and it wasn't that bad until I woke up in the morning and was SO sweaty because it was really warm in the room. I felt completely disgusting and all I wanted was to just take a shower and wash my hair. But I didn't because we went to go get coffee and on our way we walked past this really strange fountain that just seemed questionable.

I don't even know what they're doing and I still can't wrap my brain around it.

The hotel we were at was right across from the ocean and it was BEAUTIFUL. This picture doesn't nearly do it justice, partially because it was the morning and I think there was a marine layer or something. People always talk about marine layers and even though I grew up right next to the ocean I've never quite understood what that means. I mean I know it's fog over the ocean but I don't know why it happens or anything like that. I'm not a scientist, people.

Then I stayed down south until 2:30 this morning and then I drove home.

Also in the car on the way down I had a concert and tried to sound like Carrie Underwood but I didn't sound anything like her and I totally lost my voice.

The end. I'm tired.