Wednesday, April 30, 2014

What I learned from Mean Girls

If you're not aware, today is the 10 year anniversary of the most quoted movie in the history of movies. That fact is totally made up but also probably totally true. So, to celebrate, I decided to list some things I learned and then also list a few unanswered questions I've always wondered. Ready? Grool.
What I've learned from Mean Girls
1. Never let the haters stop you from doing your thang.
2. Happy hour is from 4-6.
3. You can't just ask people why they're white.
4. One of the highest compliments you can give a guy is to tell him his hair looks sexy pushed back.
5. The best way to get a girl to stop going out with your crush is to call her mom pretending to be Susan from Planned Parenthood and ask for Taylor to call you back because it's urgent, thank you.
6. If you put peppermint foot cream on your face, your boyfriend (whose hair is pushed back, le duh), will just want to make out with you in the cafeteria.
7. Going through a divorce is worse than having your carpal tunnel syndrome come back.
8. Halloween is an excuse for girls to dress slutty and nobody can talk bad about them.
9. ESPN isn't just a channel on TV.
10. You can't go to Taco Bell if you're on an all carb diet.
11. When somebody tells you that you smell like a baby prostitute (aka prostitot HAHA see what I did there), it's probably not a compliment.
12. The limit does not exist.
13. If you have sex, you will get pregnant AND DIE.
14. Mrs. George is not like a regular mom, she's a cool mom.
15. If your fake boobs are hard as rocks, you will not notice when your chihuahua starts sucking on them.
16. You can apparently still become Plastic even if you wear a men's XXL pink polo on a Wednesday.
17. Those rules aren't actually real except for the time Karen wore a vest, because that vest was disgusting.
18. Your boyfriend isn't allowed to kiss you when you have lipgloss on.
19. Fetch is never going to happen.
20. The production room above the auditorium is useful for a great many things.
21. Joining the Mathletes is social suicide.
22. If you like, INVENT somebody, you're totes allowed to crash the house party they're throwing while their parents are out of town.
23. Don't push somebody in front of a bus.
24. Ex boyfriends are just, off limits to friends.
25. People totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar.
26. If you're not sure what percentage of fat a food is, just get cheese fries.
BONUS: Questions Mean Girls left unanswered.
1. Did Cady ever give Damien his pink shirt back?
2. If only 8 people had shown up at Cady's house, would she have had enough cheese and crackers for them?
3. Who told Cady it was ok to wear a strapless dress with that pink bra?
5. Did Damien ever get to have the color hair he wanted? 
4. What was Janice's wig ACTUALLY made out of?
5. Did Gretchen Weiners ever wear hoop earrings again?
7. Does Gretchen Weiners ever get any?

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

I'd rather get a Twicket

The worst thing ever happened last night. I had a first, but not a good first. I was driving to Target to buy the necessities (toilet paper, nothing fun... lame, right?), and in my excitement I needed to pass a semi and I went just a leetle faster than I should have and then I looked in my rearview mirror and saw the red and blue flashing lights of doom. I was on the freeway and getting pulled over on the freeway is one of my worst fears, so I slowed down and pulled onto the shoulder and into some weeds and then I heard the cop get on his stupid fancy gives-him-too-much-power loudspeaker and say, "Driver, pull all the way off the freeway." And I was like, But that means I have to drive like hunneds of yards with a cop driving behind me with his lights on and what if somebody I know sees me and after I get off the freeway where do I go and holy crap why am I not crying yet I need to be crying by the time he comes to my window! So I had to exit the freeway and go to a side street and then he came up to my car and didn't even ASK me why I was going 81 in a 65 zone, he just informed me that I was. Because he didn't ask me WHY I wasn't able to make up some story about how I was having explosive diarrhea digestive issues or about how I had to get to Target really fast to get medicine because my friend was sick and was basically dying. All I did was sit there and stare off into the distance and hand him my license and registration and I wished I could have gone Honey Boo Boo on him.

He asked me if I still live at the address on my license, which is my parents' address, and I didn't want to get in even MORE trouble for not changing my address yet, so I lied and said, "Uhhhhh well no, I just moved like, a couple of weeks ago." But THEN I realized that the address on my registration is my current address so while he was back there running my information or whatever it is he was doing back there (which was probably playing 2048 because there was no reason for it to take so long) I started freaking out that he was going to notice the address discrepancy and like, arrest me. And then I would cry and be like, "No no no no no!" and then I'd get in trouble for resisting arrest and then I'd be on an episode of Cops and everybody would laugh at me. OH BUT MAYBE THEN I'D BE TURNED INTO A GIF!!

Sometimes I'm dramatic.

He gave me the ticket and told me to "Have a nice day" and I scoffed at him a little and cried and tried to give him puppy dog eyes, but he had already turned away so it didn't work, plus I don't think they can take back a ticket after they've written it. I still had to go to Target but by this point the tears were flowing and I was doing the full on blubbering ugly cry in the parking lot.

 But don't worry, I finally got it together enough to wear my sunglasses inside and buy the toilet paper and then go home and not eat dinner because I was too pissed. Oh but then I went downstairs to get some water and I tripped down a couple of the stairs and landed on my ankle and I was pissed because I was doing such a good job of not getting speeding tickets or tripping down the stairs but then in the same night I ruined both of my streaks. Plus, Jacey laughed at me for tripping. But that's fine. I would have laughed at me too.

Do you have any secret tricks for getting out of tickets?

Monday, April 28, 2014

What do boys learn in school?

Last Thursday night I got a call from my aunt saying that her cat was really sick and she wanted me to go to the emergency vet with her. I've never been to an emergency vet before and I would be ok with never going again because it was pretty depressing. The cat is fine and really the only reason I'm telling you this is so I can show you this sign that was in our exam room. 

On Friday I got off work at 3 and took off in Bruce Wayne to visit Keith. I took a road I've never taken before and it was pretty barren but kind of pretty. I later found out that part of it used to be called "Death Highway," so that was cool. I took a picture at one point, because it really was pretty, but I should have taken a picture an hour later. Why? oh, because I was on this straight stretch of road that had all these hills and there was N O T H I N G around at all and then all of a sudden I come over this one hill and on the right side of the highway in the middle of nowhere, what did my eyes behold? A food truck. A working food truck with a lit up "OPEN" sign and a man working inside. If it didn't seem like a setting for a really weird horror movie I would have stopped and maybe tried to get a taco or something. But I didn't, because safety and stuff.

On Saturday night we went cosmic bowling until midnight and I KILLED EVERYBODY. Except Keith. I only beat him by one point but I STILL WON and I'm not going to let him forget that.

On Sunday I decided I wanted to take a page directly from Lindsay's book blog and I'm going to share it with you. Last week she posted about how she interviewed her husband, and I thought, "That is hilarious and I need to interview Keith!" So, here.

Juliette: You don't know the name of my blog, do you?
Keith: No... does it have anything to do with your name?"
Juliette: ....I cannot give you that information.
Keith: Why? If you do then I'll finally be able to read your blog!
Juliette: THAT is why I'm not giving you the information. Please do not search for my blog, I'll show it to you when I'm ready, and I'm not. Ok let me ask another question..... uhh....
Keith: Did you not plan questions?
Juliette: NO! I forgot! OH! Lindsay asked her husband what he thinks a fashion trend is for women right now. So, answer that question.
Keith: Looks very serious and deep in thought for a couple of minutes before a lightbulb went off in his head and he very proudly excalimed, Oh! Ugg boots! Are those still a thing?
Juliette: *dies from laughter*
Keith: Are they?
Juliette: They were ten years ago.
Keith: But people still wear them, right?
Juliette: Yeah but that doesn't make them a TREND. You're almost as bad as Lindsay's husband. His answer was hair ties.
Keith: What are hair ties?
Juliette: You know, the things I use to put my hair in a ponytail.
Keith: Oh, like a scrunchie?
Juliette: *dies again* NO NOT LIKE A SCRUNCHIE.
Keith: Well, what's a scrunchie?
Juliette: Something that Jack Berger also thought was a fashion trend. Next question. Do you think I'm funny?
Keith: Yeah you're pretty funny.
Juliette: Just pretty funny? Not the most hilarious person you've ever met???
Keith: I don't want you to get a big head.
Juliette: *rolls eyes* Next question. Am I a good cook?
Keith: *makes mistake and doesn't immediately answer that I'm the most amazing cook to ever grace his kitchen* You're like, 50/50.
Juliette: WHAT?
Keith: What?
Juliette: We're done here.

And it made me feel like this:

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Something annoying and something exciting

I have two things to share with you all today. You're welcome. The first thing is something that happened last night when I wasn't home (thankfully). I was meeting with some friends expecting to go home and have a new drink I love, a vodka collins, but then I got this text from Jacey.
There's a close up of the new "peep hole." Shut up. I know our door is old and dirty. It's from the 70's, ok? And apparently the wood is rotting, so that's fun.

Jacey said the lock broke and when she and Justin came home and tried to unlock/open the door, it wouldn't budge. She couldn't even turn the knob. If Justin hadn't been there I have no idea if we ever would have gotten into the apartment, because Jacey had left her phone inside and wouldn't have been able to call me or our landlord. AND neither of us would have been able to scale the wall to break into my window. All of the downstairs windows and the patio door were locked (responsibility), and the really high fence/gate around our patio had a padlock on it, so I'm pretty sure our plan of action once I got home would have been to call the fire department. Luckily Jacey has a boyfriend who is a problem solver, and he figured out a solution. Observe.
My window is the big one up there on the second floor. That fence is probably 6 feet tall, at least. Justin climbed over the fence to the patio and Jacey heaved the (empty) recycling bin over the top of the fence. I have no idea how she did that. I wouldn't have been able to, mostly because I would have just been like, "OMG NO. This thing is SO dirty and disgusting. Let's just call the fire department." Then he balanced the bin on top of a table back there and scaled the wall. Probably sort of looking something like this.
By the time I got home everything was fine and Justin was working on putting new locks on our door. Jacey had called the landlord and left messaged but he wasn't responding, which I sort of understand because this is like the 17,000th thing to have gone wrong. Remember when our bathtub almost made our floor collapse? Then there was the time our garbage disposal broke, the outlets in our kitchen stopped working, Jacey's closet broke, we have a crooked light fixture, the toilets wouldn't stop running, the hot water heater sucked... you get the picture. It's been one thing after another but I don't really care because I love that apartment to death. And I'm still just really glad I wasn't there for the broken lock situation.
 After thinking about it for a few months I decided to start offering sponsorships! You can find the details here. Basically I decided I was ready to take the next step in blogging and that next step is dollars. I struggled with this for a while because I didn't want to be a sell out or whatever, but I have never gone to a blog and, upon realizing the blog offers sponsorships (like 98% of them do), thought, "Wow this person is a total sell out and I can't believe this." Nope. Not once. So then I just decided "DO IT DO IT DO IT" and I did it and now I'm excited for Oprah, except I don't have any free cars to give you. Don't hate me. 
Oh also if you haven't heard of a Ninja Mimosa, it's a mimosa with a shot of vodka in it. But you can't make the mimosa in a champagne glass because those are way too small. You have to use a cup, and I prefer to drink it with a straw. That's all the info you need, I think. So.... link link link.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

I'm going back for that

Last Thursday, I had a plan. I was going to go to Chipotle for a steak burrito bowl, come home, remove my pants, and binge watch How I Met Your Mother. I was excited. It had been weeks since I had eaten Chipotle (self control, I'm trying to have some) and THIS WAS GOING TO BE MY NIGHT. Also, there would be mimosas. I had gotten off work an hour early and everything was going my way and I had the whole weekend to look forward to and I had episodes of How I Met Your Mother to watch... I was feeling good. So good, in fact, that I decided to ask the server at Chipotle to give me "just a little extra steak please."
And then I went home and opened the bowl and realized that, horror of horros...

Luckily I live like 5 minutes away from Chipotle, and since I knew I wouldn't enjoy the bowl without the corn salsa, I made a decision:
And it was worth it, let me tell you. IT WAS WORTH IT. And then I started thinking about how important the corn salsa was to my life that night. I mean, it COMPLETED me and when I thought I wasn't going to have it I was devastated. And then I went back. So I started thinking about other things along those lines and you guessed it, it's another testicle listicle!

I'm going back for that.

Oh, McDonald's, you gave me regular Coke instead of Diet Coke? I can tell the difference. Nice try. I'm going back for that.

La la la la la, getting in the car after I left the grocery store... wait, did I buy grapefruits instead of oranges?? Idiot. I'm going back for that.

I just went to Target but now I'm home and somebody instagrammed a picture of new Target sandals that are only $10/pair and they're like SO cute! I'm going back for that, even if it's just to look.

I brought my champagne home and realized I bought extra dry instead of brut. I don't know what the difference is but I always buy brut. I'm going back for that.

If Panera forgot to put the gouda on my bacon turkey bravo... I'm going back for that.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Let's confess some ish

I've never linked up with Kathy for her Wednesday confess sesh, but there's a first time for everything! Plus, I have to get some stuff off my chest. Lezz do it to it.

I confess...
... that I kind of like the "Selfie" song. Not so much that I actively seek it out on the internet and listen to it, but if it comes on the radio I might sort of sing along and dance a little.... like this.
#SELFIE (Club Mix) by mydjspace on Grooveshark

... that I filed my taxes yesterday at about 5:30pm and got a whopping $8 back. But then I had to pay $24.99 to efile them so it didn't really work out for me. Oh and then this morning I got an email saying it was rejected so I have to REfile. Life is fun.
... that on Sunday night for dinner I ate two pieces of bacon and champagne and regret none of it.
... that I haven't felt like buying toilet paper so I've been pilfering a roll here and there from my parents house every few days.

... that I have no idea what to get Keith for his birthday next month. Haaaaalp.

... that I made yesterday's post (I never thought I'd...) into a link up and I just really want people to link up so I can read your stuff.

... that I just sort of sneaked in Kevin's real name up there to see if anybody was paying attention.

... and that "sneaked" looks and sounds weird but I've always been taught that "snuck" isn't a real word (and the red squiggly line appears under "snuck" and not "sneaked" so BOOM roasted) and I'm a pretentious snob who cares about sneaked vs. snuck and further vs. farther and less vs. fewer and YOU'RE VS. YOUR etc etc etc.

Focker OUT.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

I never thought I...

This morning I woke up a half hour earlier than usual because I needed to be online at 7am exactly so I could book a campsite for me and Kevin in Yosemite over Labor Day Weekend. Apparently the camp sites sell out in less than a minute, and I felt like I was Sheldon/Raj/Howard/Leonard when they tried to get tickets to Comic Con. Spoiler alert: I GOT THE TICKETS.
I was pretty proud of myself, and then I just kind of sat there and looked at the site confirmation and was like, "this is weird. I am NOT a camper and I never thought I would be doing this." AND THAT GOT ME THINKING... mostly about showing you guys a picture of Yosemite just in case you've never seen it. But it also got me thinking about things I never thought I'd do. So it's time for another ... you guessed it: LISTICLE. Not to be confused with testicle.
// Book a campsite and be excited about camping. The last time I went camping was over 10 years ago and I had to bring my own food. I took a loaf of WonderBread, some lunch meat, a Dr. Pepper, and some cinnamon PopTarts that I thought were S'more flavored. it was horrible.
// Date Kevin again.
// Enjoy eating tomatoes. I used to HATE tomatoes, but then my aunt made me try some from her garden and holy mother of vegetables those little suckers are DELICIOUS. And now I eat tomatoes wherever I go unless they look all old and mealy because that shit is disgusting.
// Wake up on the daily before 630am. I am a sleeper, I've discussed this before. But now I wake up at 6:23 Monday through Friday and it's surprisingly not the worst thing in the world.
// Want to elope. I always thought I wanted a huge wedding with the big poofy dress but the more I think about it the more I just think weddings are stressful and expensive and whenever I get married (NOT SOON) maybe it's not worth all the hassle? Who knows. Don't judge.
// Not be married at 25.
// Like dogs. Ever since a Jack Russell Terrier attached its mouth to the bell bottom of my jeans when I was a kid I swore I'd never have a dog. But now I'm dating a guy with two dogs and I'm trying to convince him to let me get a puppy. WHO HAVE I BECOME.
// Not be blonde. I haven't colored my hair in 10 months and I'm starting to miss the blonde, but I definitely do not miss paying for highlights.
Much blonde. Much domestic.
// Have a blog that people read slash make actual friends from blogging. Both happened, and both are amazing.
// Grow out of all my jeans. Oops. Carbs happened.
// Not care about what I wear in public. Seriously, I could not care less. I wear sweats with holes in them, a sweatshirt my sister found at a party that has a questionable stain that could very well be blood, and gold moccasins on a daily basis. I could not care less how sloppy I look when I go to the grocery store to buy myself a bottle of champagne and some Cheez Its, and it's sort of liberating.
That's all for now. 
The Other Juliette

Monday, April 14, 2014

At least the bacon was delicious

My idea of cooking is going to Panera and ordering a bacon turkey bravo, or just sitting at home with a bottle of champagne and some Cheez Its. But every once in a while I decide to broaden my horizons, like when I read a delicious recipe on Lindsay's blog or when I think it might be fun to impress Kevin with my skills of domestication (that's a word and it'a also sarcasm). So on Friday I decided to make pulled pork sandwiches and it was the easiest thing I've ever done. If you want the recipe just google "Pulled pork sandwiches crock pot" and you'll get a bunch of ideas. All I did was throw a 2 lb. hung of pork shoulder or loin (hehehe) (I can't remember which one) into a crock pot with a chopped yellow onion, some BBQ sauce, and honey, and I let everything get all friendly up in there for like 8 hours. Dee-LISH.
After that Kevin was like, "Ok, it's time to watch the horror movie Sinister that you said you'd watch with me!" And I was like, "Ok, we can watch it, but I think I'm going to need 3 shots of Fireball and also some mimosas to help me not pee my pants from fright." So we took shots and I took zero pictures of it, and the movie is really creepy because it involves children and children in horror movies are the epitome of horror and awfulness, in my opinion.
Saturday Kevin asked, "What's the plan for today?" And I hadn't made any plans because I am not a planner, so I stammered "Uhhhh oh, well, um, I'm a bad hostess and I don't have a plan sooooooo what do you want to do?" And we decided to get massive sandwiches and eat them by the lake, and it was cool, except my sandwich was huge and it was messy and we didn't have any napkins but whatever. I just told him to not look at me when I had food all over my face and I THINK he obliged.
Then before we left we decided to climb some trees because we're 11 years old, but I was having the most difficult time ever because did you know that climbing trees requires arm strength and core strength?? I tried like 20 times to get up into this one tree but I kept just running and jumping at the branch and hitting it with my chest and falling. It was embarrassing. And look at this dog!
It looked nothing like this but this dog is amazing.
FINALLY I got myself into a tree and I yelled, "HEY KEVIN. Take my picture so I can internet it and show people I can climb trees!" And he laughed and said, "But you're only two feet off the ground," And I got a little huffy and said, "I DON'T CARE." And he took a few pictures and laughed at how awkward I looked and I said, "Wow, you're never going to be allowed to take pictures for my blog," and he said, "GOOD."
Then, I stole some movies.
LET ME EXPLAIN. We went to the video store (video stores still exist in my town, just little ones though, not a Blockbuster or anything) because we wanted to watch Captain America and The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, but we couldn't find either of them on the shelves. So I asked the owner if they had Captain America and he finally found one copy, and I replied, "Cool."
Then we were looking in the new releases section for The Hobbit and we saw some hoodlums having some problems.
"Dude, they're probably out of The Hobbit Two." And I was thinking "THAT'S NOT WHAT IT'S CALLED." But I stayed quiet.
"Wait here it is!"
"That's the first one."
"Damn, they probs don't have it."
 Uh people, please don't speak in abbrevs. Thx.
"Just keep looking, I really want to see it."

I decided to outsmart them (wasn't hard) so I asked the owner if they had the second hobbit movie and he looked in the RETURN bin and said (loudly), "OH HERE IT IS WE JUST HAVE ONE COPY." So I very quickly said "Ok we'll take it here's your money thanks BYE." And we left and Kevin was like, "Wow. that was really mean of you and those people were glaring at you big time." And I was like, "Oh, did I get some side eye?" And he asked what side eye is and thus ensued a discussion and demonstration of side eye but he still didn't get it so whatever Kevin, you're fired from blogging.
I tried to make Lindsay's recipe for cream cheese filled, bacon wrapped jalapeno poppers and I failed.
But the bacon was still delicious. There was a bunch of grease in the pan and since I'm really smart and I know grease isn't supposed to go in the sink drain I grabbed something to pour the grease into. Genius Juliette just got the first thing her hands touched, which happened to be a styrofoam cup. Do you know what happens when you pour hot grease into a styrofoam cup? THIS.
Moving on....we watched Captain America and you guys, I like superhero movies A LOT, but I just couldn't love Captain America. I just kept laughing at it and Kevin was like, "STOP LAUGHING," but I didn't. We were about to turn on The Hobbit but then Kevin was like,
K: "I wish we had some cookie dough."
J: "Let's go get some."
K: "Not the already made stuff, though. I want to MAKE cookie dough."
So we went to Food 4 Less and got ingredients and sat on the sofa and stuffed our faces with homemade cookie dough and watched the hobbit movie and it was really awesome and I liked that movie more than Captain America, but I was pretty annoyed that it deviated so much from the book. I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW. THAT ALWAYS HAPPENS. But it never fails to piss me off.
We're almost done, I promise. On Sunday we had a pretty full day. You may or may not remember that my dad is a pastor. April 1st marked his 25th anniversary of pastoring the church I grew up in, so there was a celebration. It's pretty rare for a pastor to stay at the same church for so long, so it was a big deal and there were a bunch of people there. A bunch of people that I've known since I was 9 months old. A bunch of people who have never seen me with a boyfriend except Kevin the last time we dated, who kept asking me when we're getting married. So that was fun. At the end we took our first family picture with Baby Kate and that was my favorite thing.

That's about it.

But since it's been a while, I'll just end with some pictures of 6 month old Baby Kate, aka my favorite person in the world.

Thanks for reading, come again please.

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