I know what you're thinking: But Juliette, you're like the least awkward person in the history of ever! How do you have material for this post? Well, my friends, I have a secret: I'm pretty awkward and clumsy. Like this one time, I was standing on my two feet and the next thing I knew, I was on the ground. BAM. No warning, nothing. I literally tripped over NOTHING. It's a talent, really.
What's better than stories of embarrassing stuff? Stories of embarrassing stuff done in front of guys you're dating, obviously!! Ready? And go.
Technically this one was before the relationship... but the way I got my first boyfriend was by following him home from work and then offering him an ice cream sandwich. This is the secret boyfriend I had when I was in high school who was just a little older than me. By seven years.
This one time my newish boyfriend and I were at Panera Bread and I wanted to get to know him better so I pulled a piece of paper out of my purse. I then proceeded to ask him 25 rapid fire questions. "If you could do anything, what would you do?" "What's your favorite childhood memory?" "What are your fears?" "What's your favorite ice cream flavor?" It was like a boyfriend interview, and it did not go well.
One time I went mini golfing with my boyfriend and his parents I took a whack at the ball and it flew into the air... and straight into his mother's crotch.
(TWO crotch shot GIFs because I'm feeling generous for a Tuesday.)
In college I was visiting my boyfriend (long distance FTW) and somehow I ended up with a bunch of hickies on my neck. The next morning I was supposed to meet his dad and brother for the first time, so I tried wearing a scarf to hide the evidence of our make out session. Well, it was like 80 degrees and my scarf did NOT hide anything, but I didn't know that until we left and his dad texted him saying something like, "Tell Juliette next time she should wear a bigger scarf." And then that year his parents gave me a scarf for Christmas.
We went to the beach for breakfast and somehow I ended up with bird poop on my butt, which he pointed out to me. And then he laughed and laughed and laughed and it was stupid and embarrassing.
I went to a frat party with a guy, drank a bunch of Smirinoff Ices (I have refined taste), and fell out of a doorway into a driveway.
We went bowling and I had been talking up a big game (because I took two semesters of bowling in college... obviously I was cool) ... and then I completely ate it.
That's all. For now.