Friday, August 30, 2013

Mo' money mo' problems

      Lately it's been brought to my attention (by myself because I'm a glutton for punishment I guess) that I suck in the area of self control, specifically with food and money. I've become accustomed to buying and eating whatever I want whenever I want it. Don't get the wrong idea, I'm not going on extreme shopping sprees every weekend or eating a dozen glazed donut burgers (have you heard of those? because EW) all the time, but it's a problem. A Starbucks macchiato and maybe a breakfast sammich sound good this morning? Sure! Coffee and donuts for breakfast the next day? Why not! Seventeen margaritas with dinner? SAY HELLO TO FUN JULIETTE (that was an exaggeration, please tell me you know I wouldn't drink 17 margaritas in one sitting)! Buy a whole outfit when really all I was shopping for was a new top? Just call me Cher Horowitz thankyouverymuch. 

     Food and money: the two go hand in hand for me. I waste money on food I shouldn't eat and then I have to buy new clothes so I spend more money, and then I get upset because clothes don't fit so I buy's a vicious cycle.. I started thinking about where I should start cutting back and was appalled at the bad choices I make. So appalled, that I'm still debating actually publishing this because I'm embarrassed of my lack of self control. But then Brittany had to go and post about her No Spend Month (which is exactly what it sounds like), and a little voice inside of me kept saying this is really applicable to you so just DO IT! So, I am. I've decided:

I'm putting myself on a budget.
Which really shouldn't be this big of a deal. Isn't having a budget like, basic common sense?
Well sure, but it's also common sense not to start painting your nails at 10pm and you don't see me listening to that either.
     Coffee pictures: EXCESSIVE AMOUNTS OF COFFEE.

     Food pictures: Fries and a drink when I really didn't need it the extra calories or the extra cost.

     Clothes and parking meter: Excessive shopping. Even though I don't really like shopping, when I do shop I just try on ALL THE THINGS and figure that since I don't shop that often I can buy whatever I want. BAD BAD BAD. And the parking meter: I pay to park on the street when I could park in a structure fo' free ninety nine, but the structure is just a little bit farther away. Uh, hello Juliette, if you parked in the structure you would get a block of exercise and save $.75 ya genius.

     Just for fun, here's another fun collage of times when I wasted money. And look at that! It's all on stuff that goes in my mouth. SHAME ON ME. I mean, these were all really really delicious but they were all really really unnecessary.
     So September is going to be a strict budget month. I'm starting it on September 3 because I've already planned for a trip to San Diego with Sami (which I couldn't be more excited about, by the way). I've written it out and I have a budget for each pay period, and a set amount for different things like food, gas, toiletries, etc. I'm using the envelope system. My financial goals for September are:

     -Don't pay for coffee or breakfast in the morning. Drink coffee in the office and bring my breakfast from home.

     -No buying sodas. The $1 sodas from McDonald's add up, and the $2 and $3 sodas at restaurants aren't worth it. I need to be drinking more water anyway.

     -When I eat out, order less than what I think I want because 99.9% of the time my eyes are bigger than my stomach.

     -Don't buy my lunch more than 3 times a week. Once would be ideal but let's be a little realistic.

     -Don't buy things I don't need. Common sense again, right? No. Sometimes when I go to Target and I'm hypnotized by that damn white target I see all the different kinds of mascara and I think yes yes yes, I do need six more tubes, and oh look, I need fourteen colors of nail polish, and is this an ashtray shaped like a koala? OMG I MUST HAVE IT. I can't buy toiletries or anything unless I've run out of what I have.

     I still have some details to work out, like gas, *adult* beverages (ahem margaritas cough cough), and what if I have an unexpected expense? How will I determine what is really necessary and what is just convenience? Like my contacts: I need to order more soon, but are they really necessary? Actually they are because my glasses prescription is reeeeeeally old. And what about getting my hair done? My roots have grown out about 3 inches and it needs to get highlighted, but it is really necessary? (Probably.)

     Also, my first niece is due this month, and I'm planning on spoiling her even more than I already have, so I'm setting aside a special "baby budget" to use on gas to drive to see her (it's a 2 hour round trip) and clothes and books and other stuff that she will clearly need me to buy for her.

    So in September my Twitter and Instagram feeds will probably just be pictures of me being bored and hungry. This is totally doable, right? Have you ever set a strict budget for yourself? Do you have any advice for me? Did I miss anything???

     Gross. Enough grown up talk. Let's bust some Destiny's Child music so I can link up with Whitney.

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Wednesday, August 28, 2013

My rebellion backfired on me

     I wasn't too rebellious in high school because I was a big chicken and I was afraid of getting caught doing something wrong. Occasionally my friends and I would sneak out of our houses and just walk up and down the streets at midnight talking, and I'd jump in a bush if I saw a car coming, because the po-po are totally gonna bust me for being out past curfew! Yeah Juliette, because the "po-po" (you are not a gangsta so STOP THAT) have nothing better to do than look for sober 16 year olds taking a walk, and FYI diving into a bush is way more suspicious than just walking around, you moron. So when I turned 18 I decided it was time to spread my rebellious wings so I bought a lottery ticket (gasp!) and got my belly button pierced. Then I wanted to pierce ALL THE THINGS, and I did. Look.

     I had to take my tongue ring out for work because apparently mermaids don't have tongue rings, whatever, and I took my belly button ring out in November but it refuses to close up, so now I just have a cool looking hole on my abdomen and no, you aren't getting a picture of that you freak. Then my tragus and rook piercings fell out and closed up, so I got my tragus done again and asked them to put a pretty stud in it and to make sure it was screwed on kinda tight so it wouldn't fall out, please. The guy who did that was an overachiever because it's been at least 5 years and I'm stuck with THIS.
     It won't come unscrewed. I am literally stuck with it forever That big ugly stud is clinging to my ear and it won't let go. It's kind of making me weirdly claustrophobic. Like, if I think about it too much then I get freaked out because I really think it might be in my ear for all of eternity, which is ironic because my reasoning for getting piercings is that "they're kind of edgy but not permanent." I've had dreams of being able to unscrew it and I wake up sadder than I am when I dream about Christian Bale still being Batman. A few months ago I went to a tattoo parlor and asked them to try and get it off but when they started twisting I kept moving and squealing and the guy said I can't do this if you're gonna act like this, you need to shut up or get out. I still have the piercing so you can probably guess which one I did.

     So last night for Jacey's birthday she decided to get a tattoo, and I thought great! I'll stop being a baby and I'll ask them to get this dumb stud out of my ear cartilage! I feel like you can already figure out where this is going. Jacey was talking to the tattoo guy about her ink and I just stood there looking really out of place and thinking about how I still want to get a triple frontal helix like the one I saw on Pinterest.

     Finally I walked up to the front and asked someone if he could try to take my stud out. He couldn't but he pointed me to a very tough [and not pleasant] looking guy who was sitting on a grimy couch reading a magazine and looking like he really didn't want to be disturbed but guess what? I disturbed him anyway and just couldn't stop talking, which shouldn't be surprising.

     Hi can you unscrew my tragus stud? It's so big and I don't like it but it's stuck and I haven't been able to unscrew it and I freak out when people try to do it because I'm a big chicken and I'm afraid it's going to rip out my cartilage and I'm just so scared I'm sorry I know it's not a big deal but WHY ARE YOU GETTING PLIERS OUT OF THAT DRAWER?

     He wasn't amused. It would be easy, the cartliage is super thick in that spot, and it wouldn't tear, and would I please just chill and let him do his job? HA.

     Ok but can you be really careful because I'm freaking out and I'm really nervous and I'll try not to make any noise because I know that's really bad but I can't promise anything.

     He put the pliers on the ball and started twisting, and then...


    So he threw his hands in the air and said FINE and then gave me a dirty look.

     And he went back to reading his magazine and I watched Jacey get her tattoo and neither of us passed out...but I still have that stupid tragus piercing and I have no idea how I'll ever get it out! Someone said that I'll probably have to go to the doctor and have it sawed off but whoever said that is a jerk because that sounds horrifying. And I feel like I'll never be able to go back to that tattoo parlor again because I'm such a chicken and they're all judging me and I made a scene in there TWICE and this stupid earring is stupid and stuck. So if you have any ideas of what to do about my problem please let me know.

     The rest of the night was great, though. Some friends and I took Jacey to dinner and drinks for her birthday and I think we succeeded in getting her frunk (fun drunk). Plus we were home by 9pm which this grandma LOVES.

What, you don't grab your boob when you take a selfie outside of the donut store at 830?

The moral of the story is that sometimes things are permanent and bigger isn't always better, and hard cider doesn't give you a hangover.
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Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Someone had a crush on Clay Aiken

     If you're anything like me then you hate it when you go to read a new blog post and you're all excited because hello, new content and a way to procrastinate, and then the entire post is about the blogger's IRL friend who you don't even know. You're like who is this person? She doesn't even blog? Then why do I care about her? She doesn't even go here! Well then you won't like where this is going but bear with me for just a few minutes because it's important and I've never asked you for any favors before today.... at least not that I can remember so let's go with it.

     Today is Jacey's birthday!We've been friends for almost 10 years, except for a couple of months in high school when we were in a fight about something and then the fight was magnified when she heard me say to a friend "Let's go see MC2" and she thought I was speaking in code about Miss Congeniality 2 because I didn't want her to go with me but really I just didn't want to say all the syllables. But don't worry, I bought her a card with a puppy on the front that said "I'm sorry" on the inside and gently tossed it on the counter at the bakery where she worked. She'll tell you I threw it at her face but that's a lie. I was very gentle just like I always am (except when I'm playing bloody knuckles).
    // She and I met in 2003 when we both wanted to be in a homeschool production of Little Women, and we both succeeded in securing roles in the "B" cast (understudy), which really just means "You're not good enough to have a real role so we'll let you perform in one matinee performance because your parents are paying for this experience." I might be a little bitter still. Anyway, one of the first times Jacey and I carpooled to rehearsal she was wearing a [required] floor length prairie skirt and for some reason I thought she was wearing a back brace, and I pitied the poor girl who probably had undergone numerous surgeries and had never played sports, and wasn't she a trooper for working hard so at rehearsal? Well, the Jerk Award goes to me because Jacey didn't have a back brace and she actually played tennis and softball, which I would have known if I had made conversation instead of just assuming her prairie skirt was a back brace. It wasn't a back brace, did I mention that?

     // During the first few months of rehearsal, we both had a crush on the same guy, but she dated him first, secretly. OH THE SCANDAL of her secret boyfriend! He wrote her a song and threatened to sing it to her and asked her to winter formal but then they broke up because she felt guilty about lying to her mom. So then of course I dated him because good friends share everything right? He gave me a purple construction paper heart for Valentine's Day (he was 16, not 6) and then he wrote me a song too and threatened to sing it to me and I think that was the straw that broke the tone deaf boy's heart because after that we broke up because I also felt guilty about lying to my mom. We had a lot of guilt. (Side note, this guy is the one who said "I'm not" when I said I was cold.)

     // When I got my driver's license I wasn't allowed to ride with passengers for the first 6 months and I was a strict rule follower (except when it came to curfews and boys and movies) and one time I made Jacey walk next to my car while I drove about 2 miles an hour next to her, which was probably 10 times more dangerous than if she'd been in the car with me but it was the law and I'm terrified of the po-po, remember?
    // In high school we were at her house alone and we got someone to buy us B&J wine coolers because isn't that what all the cool kids were doing? We each drank two and it was really hardcore.

    // One time I pretended to throw my phone at her face but the phone slipped and actually hit her in the face. Like, right in the middle. Oops.

    // One time in high school Jacey and I drove down to LA to visit the college I wanted to go to and see her grandparents, and on the way down I almost drove into a median and we tried to memorize all the lyrics to Daniel Powter's "You Had A Bad Day" but we failed hard.
     // Jacey used to have theeee biggest crush on Clay Aiken. In case you forgot what Clay looks

     // Jacey taught me about white wine spritzers (moscato and Sprite, drink it now) and I'll be forever grateful.

     // If I'm going to Jacey's house, I know I don't need to wear a bra.

Dear Jacey,
     Happy birthday! I hope the bacon waffle you have for breakfast is the most delicious thing you've put in your mouth so far this year, and I hope Louisa's doesn't forget to add the bacon like they did the first time I ordered it. Make sure you eat a lot of carbs today because let's be real, you won't be drinking water tonight IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. This next year I hope you learn to listen to me more and take my advice, because well, you know, I've been right a lot lately. I also hope you get a lot of cute clothes for your birthday so I can borrow all of them. I would also really like it it you could stop working on weekends because that's been really inconvenient for me this past year. Thanks for talking about boys and hair with me and for listening to me when I need to vent. Happy birthday!

(Oh, and don't forget to enter to win $200+ from the sponsors of Tales of a Twenty Something!)

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Monday, August 26, 2013

I am not a runner

     You guys, IT'S OVER and I survived and it was every bit as awful as I expected it to be. I know some people just love running and it's the time when they think their best thoughts and figure out the answers to their problems, but when I'm running my biggest problem is that I'm afraid that my thighs might be catching fire from rubbing together so much, and that's not fun. Apparently that just means I'm extremely out of shape but guess what? I already knew that. NO SURPRISE THERE. So, here, look:
1. Waking up at 545 on a Saturday SUCKS.
2. I googly eyed my bib, obviously.
3. The siblings after it was over.
4. The shirt says athletic. The shirt is a liar.
5. We were signed up as a team and we got third place! No thanks to me, because only the times of the first five people count and that was my dad, brothers, sister-in-law, and sister. 

     This was our third year running the Wet N Wild, and it's been held at a different place each year. Last year it was through Knott's Berry Farm and I loved that. This year it was across from my college, and I didn't love that. It was too much nostalgia, and I wasn't ready for that. Too many memories, and too much traffic. Thankfully I was thinking too hard about remembering to breathe to think about college.  I'd like to think that now that the race is over I"ll keep running so next year I won't feel like I'm dying within the first 2 minutes, but that's what I said last year and the year before, so my track record (ha ha punny) with that plan hasn't been that great. Like I said last year: I'm never doing this race again. I'll probably say that next year too, after I get suckered into running it. However, next year I'm planning on forcing my older sister to do the race and push her baby (due three weeks from TODAY!) in the stroller so I can walk and keep her company, and then I'll have an excuse for walking and not running.

     So ok Juliette, the race sucked and you were tired blah blah blah, but how did you really feel about it? Uhh...honestly, I was embarrassed. I used to run cross country and be involved in different sports, and running a 5k was no big deal. But that hasn't been the case lately, and it's my fault, and I joke about it to cover my embarrassment. I tried to laugh when 8 and 9 year olds were passing me, I tried to laugh when 60 and 70 year olds were passing me, and I tried to laugh when parents pushing strollers passed me, but then I was out of breath and I couldn't laugh anymore. The truth is, I'm ignoring that I'm letting myself fall into some really bad patterns of eating junk and not working out, and I joke about it so I don't have to face reality. BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD. And this is getting a little too serious for a Monday so let's just put this lifestyle realization on pause and talk about something else.

     THE VMAs oh my gosh. I love award shows because live tweeting them is SO MUCH FUN and the VMAs didn't disappoint. I'm sure you've heard about how Miley was shocking and Gaga was shocking because she wasn't shocking and T. Swifty got caught being immature when her ex-boyfriend was onstage and somebody thought Lil' Kim was Queen B so I won't go into any of that. NSYNC reunited for seven seconds and it was the best seven seconds of the night, but to be honest with you it didn't really do much for me because I didn't grow up listening to them. In fact, just now I tried to name all five of them and there's one I can't remember. Justin, Lance, JC, Joey, and ....? Chris? I don't even feel like googling it right now. Don't yell at me.

     And then Breaking Bad came on and OH MY GOSH you guys. No spoilers but OH MY GOSH. And then I went to sleep. And can I just say right now that I can't wait for this weekend because I'm going to be spending it with Miss Shenanigans herself! AHH! The End.     

Sami's Shenanigans

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Friday, August 23, 2013

Why I'm already regretting running a race tomorrow

     You might not be aware of this, but bright and early tomorrow morning I'll be doubling up on sports bras and jiggling my way through a water park to run a 5k (that's 3.1 miles if you're bad at conversion like I am). UGH. This will be the third year I've done this and the third year I've told myself I'm never doing this again this is the last year never again never again never again. In case I don't make it back from Southern California alive (you know, because I'll be drowning in my own sweat and tears), here's a probably rundown of what's going to happen.
Eye of the Tiger by Survivor on Grooveshark
This is my anthem for tomorrow.
It'll start when my alarm goes off at 6am on a Saturday.

And I'll force myself to get up and get dressed, being sure to prepare for the painful experience.

Then I'll eat something healthy to give me fuel, and it will be disgusting.

The race will start and for the first mile half mile hundred yards or so, I'll feel AMAZING. Like I can do anything. I'll look like this girl.

And then reality will hit me like a ton of sweaty bricks.

And then the cramps will kick in, and I will feel like I have sudden onset asthma cuz, you know, that's totally a thing.

And everyone will say "JUST BREATHE THROUGH THE PAIN!"

And I'll contemplate collapsing and just waiting on the sidewalk for everything to end, but then I'll see this guy and I'll be forced to keep going because I am generally not a quitter. 

And at some point I'll see this fool being way too excited about the physical activity.

And then I'll get distracted by that fool and I'll totally eat it.
No horses were harmed in the making of this GIF.

And then finally it will be over and I'll collapse to the ground in a dramatic fashion.

And I'll find a couch or a soft piece of grass and collapse.

And then on Sunday I'll be in bed all day because:

And then celebratory alcohol.

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Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Emojis I don't want and emojis I NEED.

     Emojis: every iPhone user loves them and every non-iPhone user dreams about them (don't lie, you know it's true). It's pretty obvious that Apple did something right in creating emojis. I mean, I don't think I'd be able to switch from using an iPhone because I love the emojis so much. (Maybe that's an addiction issue...?) But after using an iPhone for the past 10 months I've realized that some emojis are totally and completely usesless.

Like these.

All those different books?
Is this really necessary?

I vote that we get rid of that stupid protractor (geometry nightmares, hello) and insert an emoji that does the eye roll. I've needed that emoji more than once. PROOF:

I also would have used it here:

Get it together.

Give me an emoji that's kind of tinted green and maybe one that's throwing up so I can use it when I'm hungover I have the stomach flu. DUH.

I mean really...are you using any of these? If you're using the American flag you probably also tweet some form of this a lot: #MERICA. So obviously you need your American flag using rights revoked, which isn't very American at all but let's be real: some things need to happen. And why isn't there a Canadian flag? Faith, are you mad about that? Or does Canada have different emojis?
Why do we need a floppy disk (disc??) emoji? Or a beeper? Or all those CDs?? Or a fax machine??

Get rid of some of those dumb emojis and GIVE ME ONES I CAN USE.

Like an emoji with a shaking head.

Actually, I'd prefer an emoji that does the head shake AND the eye roll at the same time.

Also, I think there should be some kind of emoji or special font that portrays sarcasm.
I'd use it ALL THE TIME.

I would also appreciate an emoji that was sticking one finger up in the air.
Just one finger. The middle finger.
I'd have used it here:

And can we talk about the food emojis for a minute?

I don't even know what half of those things ARE. Take away the stupid skewer things and give me a bowl of cereal, a sandwich, a pie, or a burrito! And if you HAVE to have the sushi then fine, Apple has my permission to leave it there. And if there was a barfing emoji I would use it next to the sushi all the time.

Could have used a burrito emoji.

ALSO could have used a burrito emoji.

Along those same lines, give me a drooling emoji so when people post pictures of their food and drinks I can reply with an emoji that accurately portrays what's happening to my face at that moment.

But I think we can all agree on the food emoji the world is lacking the most.
Right, Shannon?

Where is the taco emoji??

Sami noticed too.

There's a simple solution.
Get rid of some of the stupid emojis and give me some better ones.

      It shouldn't be that hard. There's another iPhone update soon, right? Just add some new emojis and make the people happy. Has anyone even used that weird french horn thing up there, anyway? Does it have legs? Is it walking? HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE??? It doesn't. AT ALL.

What emojis would you get rid of?
What emojis would you add?
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