Wednesday, July 31, 2013

I'm more scared of them than they are of me

     Last night Jacey and I had dinner in Morro Bay (if you don't know who Jacey is, you can read a little bit about her here, here, here, and here. Oh and also here, that wasn't excessive was it?). At dinner last night I learned that if you pour Sprite in a glass of Moscato it makes a spritzer and spritzers are delicious and I love them and if you drink two of them and then go see Despicable Me 2 you'll be a happy camper, especially if you sneak in sour gummi worms and chocolate covered pretzels.
Our view. I didn't hate it. It's Morro Rock in case you're wondering.

     We were just sitting there, drinking wine and eating dinner and not bothering anyone when I felt an itch on my thigh. I reached my hand down to scratch it and if you think it was just a random itch you're wrong because OH MY GOSH it was a giant walking stick taking a hike up my thigh. Have you ever seen those guys? No? Well here, LOOK. And don't do a google image search for these because you'll never be able to unsee a 13 inch long walking stick that lives in Borneo.

     Well, naturally I freaked out, but since I'm a good little blogger (no I'm not) my first instinct was to try and take a picture of the nightmare that was happening on my upper thigh. So I stood up and rifled through the billion and two receipts in my purse for my phone while muttering OMG OMG OMG OMG get it off get it off get it off where's my phone I need to take a picture OMG why's it moving OMG OMG I need to take a picture like a crazy person. And then it crawled onto the chair and I took a picture, and I sure wasn't about to let that dude hang out with me while I finished my dinner, so I shook it off the chair onto the flowers next to me. That little guy was STRONG. Like the stage 5 clinger of insects. And thanks to the google I now know that some walking sticks in Borneo can get up to 13 inches long. Welcome to my nightmare, and don't even tell me that he was more scared of me than i was of him because that doesn't make me feel any better AT ALL.

GROSS. It was awful. Not as awful as a spider on my leg but still, pretty awful. And what the hell was he doing right by the OCEAN? Not such smart thinking, you little monster. Thinking about this awful walking stick got me thinking about other things that freak me out and that led me to compile this list just for YOU! You're welcome.

My Irrational Fears
please leave your judgment at the door.

//The ocean. It's true and kind of sad. I don't really mind the beach (wait yes I do because sand in my pants), but the ocean is a different story. I mean HELLO, did you ever see Jaws? Or Titanic? Disasters. It's so big and dark and cold and mysterious and it freaks me out. I'll never ever ever go on a submarine ride; the one at Disneyland was the worst 10 minutes of my life. I also hate feeling seaweed wrap around my legs and I'm terrified I'll step on a crab. And recently some guys almost got eaten by humpback whales in the ocean right next to my town so no thanks.

//Finding a snake in the toilet. If I get up to go to the bathroom at night I will always turn the light on and check the pot before I squat. I just KNOW that one night I'll forget to do that and I'll end up with rattlesnake venom in my sweetcheeks. Blah blah blah rattlesnakes wouldn't go in a toilet blah blah blah YOU DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING. And I just did a google image search for "snake in a toilet" and you are welcome for not posting any of those images because I'm even more terrified now.
Basically how I feel.

//Railroad tracks. I hate driving over them and I hate walking across them. I'm afraid I'll get stuck and I'll have to rely on some stranger to be my knight on a shining motorcycle and ain't nobody got time fo' dat.

//Car washes. I hate them and it's all the fault of one of the Final Destination movies. It's not the claustrophobia, it's that I'm afraid some guy is lurking inside the car wash and he's going to smash my windows and kill me as soon as the suds get wiped off my windows.

//Driving on bridges. Nope. No thanks. I'll do it but I'll hold my breath the whole time and I might cry a little.

//Cops. The thought of getting pulled over freaks me out. This is totally my mother's fault, because growing up if we drove past a cop car she'd slam on the brakes which, in my opinion, looks way more suspicious than driving 58 in a 55. So now if I drive by one and I'm not even doing anything wrong I'll still freak out. Like, my legs go numb and I feel like I'm gonna pee. Also I'm still really pissed about the two tickets I've gotten for not using a hands free device for a phone call. IT WAS AN EMERGENCY. Douchelords. Also, this is going to get worse starting tomorrow because my car registration expires today and guess who hasn't renewed it? GUESS GUESS GUESSSSS. (time is running out in my brain....)

And here's a picture of my face in a big thing of bubbles because I'm feeling generous.

The End. 
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Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Yeah, but he's like my FIRST cousin

Oh hey friends, what's up? You're here to hear about that guy who peed on the lawn, right??
Good. Let's go. First of all, this guy is my sister's husband's cousin, and we're going to call him Scott, which isn't his name (duh), but I feel like I should sort of protect some of his privacy or something.

Sooooo let's see...where were we?

Oh yeah. DRANKS.

     For all of you who were wondering (Allie) a strawberry mimosa is just strawberry champagne with orange juice. I use the Andre brand because it's really affordable (CHEAP) and does the trick. So I was drinking my strawmosa and hanging out with the ladies and then before I knew it I was on my second glass bottle and I was outside because that's where the barbecue was and where there's barbecue smoke there are men and what did my eyes behold but my sister's husband's cousin, Scott! So of course I did what anyone would do, I looked him up and I looked him down and I went to the Twit to ask a very important question:
     Well, none of you answered me (thanks a lot for THAT) )(except Brittany which I forgot about and she said he's my cousin in law in law) so I interpreted your silence as tacit compliance (name that movie and you get 5 cool points) and got ALL OVER DAT (sort of). It wasn't too long before I stole his hat and forced him to take a picture of me. I always take guys' hats when I drink. Or their jackets, or sunglasses, or watches. Poor Scott, he looks so miserable right here (not).
Oh look at me letting him keep his anonymity.

And I was remembering this scene from Mean Girls.

I refilled my drink and when I turned around he had gone outside and was making himself wuh-HAY too comfortable and doing something horrifying. So I told Twitter about it, obviously.

     But I did keep trying to flirt with him, and it worked, and pretty soon I had him wrapped around my slightly deformed crooked little pinkie. And then he was really nice to me and said sweet things which made the whole peeing on the lawn thing not such a big deal to me.

     And then I found out that he's a professional masseuse so you better believe I took advantage of that, and you would have to. In addition to being a bit of a clothing klepto when I drink, I also make people give me massages. I will literally walk up to someone and put his (90% of the time it's a guy) hands on my shoulder and say, "Now RUB." And it almost always works! Scott was really into it, and I kept saying, "Can't you feel how tense my shoulders are? I'm sooooo tense. You might need to do this all night."

     Some background information: I first met Scott over three years ago when I was my sister's maid of honor and he was one of his cousin's groomsmen, and I think we interacted for about four whole minutes. I remember him telling me where he lived and that's about it. It's not like we had some deep meaningful conversation three years ago. Aaaaaanyway, I'm so not interested in dating right now that all I really wanted to do on Saturday was drink my strawmosas and hang out with people and relax from the stress of the shower. So when Scott wanted to actually talk alone and not with people I wasn't that excited, but I figured it couldn't hurt, and my face was feeling warm and fuzzy (a feeling I like to refer to as "buzz face"), so I went and sat down next to the barbecue with him. 

Scott: "Dang, so like, what's up?"
Me: "Alcohol!"
Scott: "Man, I mean like, it's nuts that we're both here right now, you know what I'm sayin'?"
Me: "Uh, I guess so."
Scott: "I mean, what I'm like, tryin' to say, is just that like, you're [expletive] beautiful."
Me: "Oh, uh,t hanks."
Scott: "Man, like, I don't know, you know what I'm saying?"
Me: "........"

    Then it was silent for 40 seconds, so I decided to make appropriate conversation.

Me: "What's the worst thing you've ever done?"
Scott: "Man...."
Me: "It's ok, you don't have to tell me. I was kind of joking."
Scott: "No, it's like, it's just like, it's hard, you know what I'm saying?"
Me: "Uh, no, not really."
Scott: "I don't know, it's just like, like you're the type of girl I would marry, you know?"
Me: "What does that have to do with anything..."
Scott: "Man, it's just like, you know, like, you're here, and you're like the most beautiful girl, and it's just like, it's hard, you know what I'm sayin'?"
Me: "Uh, no. I really don't have any idea what you're saying."
Scott: "Man, well what I'm tryin' to say is like, you know, like I want to marry you, you know? Like, would you wanna marry me, Nikki?"
Me: "That's not even my name!!!"
Scott: What? Oh. Shit."
Scott: "Look man, I'm sorry. It's just like, I"m just so distracted right now, you know what I'm saying?"

     So then I go inside to go to the bathroom, and when I come out he's talking to a friend of my sister. And I walk up to them and this is what I interrupt.

Scott [to friend]: "Here, sit on my lap."
Friend: "What? Why?"
Scott: "Wow, are those your real eyeballs?"
Friend: "Uh yeah."
Scott [to friend]: "It's cool, you know, you're married, right?"
Me: "That's what I JUST SAID."
Cousin: "But like, your eyes..."
Friend: "Oh... look... I need to go do... something..."

     So then we go inside and just start talking with a bunch of other people and he's really touchy feely, which it fine because I keep making him massage me, and then we ended up just taking a whole bunch of pictures with some other guys, and most of them looked like this:

Sorry for the overload of hotness. I should have prepared you for that, I know.

     A little later we were outside talking again and then all of a sudden he says, "Hold on," turns around, and starts peeing on the lawn again! AGAIN! Right in front of me! So of course I did the mature thing, I yelled "WHAT ARE YOU DOING" and ran inside and laughed and texted Brittany and told her what had just happened.

Me: And then he turned around and STARTED PEEKNG ON YHE LAWM (exactly what I typed.)
Brittany: What?!?! Is this reall life???

Yes, Brittany. It was real life.

     Scott and I had both planned to sleep at my sister's house that night. I had dibs on the guest bedroom and he had dibs on their couch. By this point I was tired so I abandoned Scott and went to bed.Well, not 2 minutes later, there was a knock on my door, so I pretended to be asleep because I was actually really tired and I didn't feel like having any more weird conversations. Scott couldn't take a hint and he came in the room, sat down, shook me awake, and started having deep conversations.

Scott: "Like, what do you want out of life?"
Me: "I don't know. I like my life right now. I'm good."
Scott: "But like, that's what I'm sayin', like what do you want?"
Me: "I just told you, I'm good. What do you want?"
Scott: "Man, like, that's tough. I don't know."
Me: "Oh."
Scott: "Like, ok here check this out: When my cousin married your sister, it was like, that was the biggest thing that had ever happened to me, you know? And now it's like, my cousin is having a baby, and like now this is the biggest thing that's ever happened to me. You know what I'm saying?"
Me [my eyes have been closed this whole time]: "Huh...weird."
Scott: "But like, what do you want?"
Me: "I'M GOOD. What do you want? What do you want to do?"
Scott: "Like that's what I'm sayin'. I wanna have kids and play with them someday."
Me: "Do you want to work?"
Scott: "No, not really. I just want to hang out with my kids all day."
Me: "Uh, I'm really tired."
Scott: "Oh, it's like that?"
Me: "Uhhh..."
Scott: "Fine. Like, whatever, man. I don't even..."

And I was like....

     Then Scott walked out, and then five minutes later he came back in and said, "I think I left my shoes in here," and he looked under the bed for a couple of minutes and again I just pretended like I was asleep. And then I laughed to myself and couldn't believe what had happened. I'm still kind of confused. OH BUT WAIT. Then the next morning happened. 

     So the next morning I got up and Scott and my brother in law and my sister and his sister were all just hanging out, and he came over and started talking to me, and he told me that I broke his heart the night before. Uh, I'm sorry, Le WHAT? He told me he went outside and cried for an hour. "A lot of feelings came out last night." And I told him that I didn't know how to respond to that and he said "It's fine," and he showed me a text he sent to his friend that said something like, "Got my heart broken last night," and then we sat on the couch. After a while I stretched out and my legs ended up on his lap, and guess who hadn't shaved her legs in a week and a half several days? Me. Don't judge my shaving preferences. Everyone's different. Scott couldn't get over my hairy legs, and I was way too tired to even care. Plus, he lives far away and I NEVER SEE HIM so it's not like it really mattered. But of course I had to tweet about what was happening. 
Scott: "You really don't even give a shit, do you?"
Me: "About what?"
Scott: "Well like, most girls would be freaking out that I'm touching their legs if they aren't perfectly smooth."
Me [laughing and looking at my phone]: ".....oh. Yeah I don't really care."
Scott: "You don't really like boys, do you?"
Me: "Well now you're making me sound like a lesbian."
Scott: "No, I mean like, you just don't seem like you want a boyfriend."

So then I patted him on the head and said, "BINGO!" 

And then he said, "Hey, are we friends on facebook?"
And I said, "I think we used to be but then I deleted you because I never talked to you."
And then he said, "Well add me now!"
And I looked at him and said, "Uh, no. I don't send friend requests, I just get them." But he didn't get the reference and I didn't explain it because I'm a stone cold beeyotch.

     And then we watched Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil and he kept rubbing my furry legs and I kept not caring at all. And I really need to thank Twitter, Brittany, Allie, and Faith for letting me give them the play by play. Especially Brittany because she got more drunk texts that night than I've sent in a really long time. Thanks.

     That was pretty much it. We side-hugged when I left and then someone gave Scott my phone number and he ended up texting me and apologizing for being an idiot, and I told him not to worry about it but what I really wanted to say was, "It's ok because you gave me such fantastic material for a blog post and you've cemented even more in my brain that I don't want a boyfriend at all because I really really hate shaving my legs."

     And the moral of the story is that even if your sister's husband's cousin isn't technically your relative, you should stop talking to him the first time he pees on the lawn.
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Monday, July 29, 2013

There's no alcohol at a baby shower

    Last Thanksgiving my family let me be in charge of cooking Thanksgiving, and I'm pretty sure that by the end of the day my family was irritated with me because of how "in charge" I was (i.e. bitchy bossy). But you know what? Even though I may have been Little Miss Bossypants, Thanksgiving dinner was delicious and we're all still friends, and ever since last November I've felt almost fully equipped to be in charge of more big events. So on Saturday I threw my sister a baby shower, I think I accidentally went into bitch mode. But you know what?

And get stuff done I did, and the shower was a success, and I'm completely exhausted and I need to sleep for the next three days but that's not going to happen. Real fast, here's some tips if you ever throw a shower:

-It might not be a bad idea to have a drink before hand. Just one though, don't get cray.
-If you're going to be outside, don't wear long sleeves. You'll sweat so much.
-Be organized. Don't throw everything in random bags because if you do, clean up will SUCK.
-Don't cry. It'll be over soon enough.

And now, picture overkill! YAY.
Painting picture frames.
Putting cupcake batter in a baggie and squeezing so hard it exploded. *insert joke here*
Making frosting.
Making goodie bags.
Chocolate drizzled pretzel rods.
Cupcake toppers.
Marshmallows on a stick drizzled with white chocolate and dipped in pink sprinkles.

My brother-in-law made me breakfast Saturday morning.

Baby Shower Time.

Thanks to Pinterest I had really high expectations.
Thanks to my incredibly crafty mother we were able to execute most of my ideas!
We didn't really have a set theme (because I'm not THAT organized, come on), but everything was pink and girly and there were homemade pinwheels everywhere.

Pink lemonade and water. Everyone got a mason jar with pink and white ribbon wrapped around it and there were a ton of the swirly cardboard straws. My sister is a dancer so we also had mini Aquafina water bottles with pink and white striped or polka dotted paper wrapped around and then tulle so it looked like a tutu. If I were a DIY blogger I'd post a tutorial and pin it but I wouldn't even know how to start with that.
(Step one: buy a water bottle.
Step two: Get your crafty mom to finish making it.)

The shower was held at my sister's husband's grandma's house (there has to be an easier way to say that). She has a beautiful patio and backyard that was perfect for the event! I should have taken more pictures of the yard. Oops. Blogger fail. On the bar in the patio we set up all the food. Look at it.

Instead of playing traditional baby shower games that everyone hates we opted to just have a onesie decorating table. We hung plain white onesies (newborn-12 months) with clothespins and had a table of puff paints. My sister now has about 20 onesies that have puff paint all over them. Most of them are pretty cute. I tried to make one that said "My aunt is single!" but it got dropped on the ground and ruined. Figures.

These cupcake toppers were my favorite part. I'm a little disappointed in the actual cupcakes because I planned on using pink polka dotted liners but it didn't work out. Then the frosting I made (just call me Betty f*&$%*$ Crocker) took forever and the cupcakes were sort of crumbling BUT the toppers were adorable!! Those are stickers that I put on cardstock and then cut out and hot glued onto different kinds of toothpicks. I was sad to have to throw them away but they're so easy to make, I'll probably do it again.

I had no idea that diaper cakes are so easy to make but apparently they are because two people made them and raved about them.

My sister's mother in law put pink and white ice cream in little mason jars and then put them in an old fashioned baby bathtub! It was adorable!!

Is my sister not the most adorable pregnant lady EVER??
September can't come soon enough!!
PS the baby's room has pink stripes on the wall and a CHANDELIER.
It's a princess room and I want to live there.

FINALLY at 6pm the shower was over and everything was cleaned up and I went to my sister's house and immediately poured myself a strawberry mimosa (my favorite FYI) and let loose. I hung out with a guy and we talked a lot and he was a giant flirt and I mostly laughed at him, but I can't put that whole experience in the same post as the baby shower so please make sure to tune in tomorrow to hear about the rest of Saturday night and how he peed on the lawn (twice!) and sort of proposed to me.
Sami's Shenanigans

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Thursday, July 25, 2013

Honest Reactions

     My first-ever niece is making her grand appearance sometime in September, and I couldn't be more thrilled! I mean really, I've been wanting to be an aunt ever since my oldest brother turned 18 and could legally get married and have kids...and that was 13 years ago, so I've been waiting for what feels like FOREVER. So, to celebrate this little bundle of joy who(m?) I'm going to spoil rotten, I'm throwing my sister a baby shower on Saturday, and it has to be the best because it's making up for what a horrible maid of honor I was when she got married. It wasn't totally my fault because I lived 241 miles away and had no money, but I still feel bad about it. And thanks to Pinterest I have a billion and two ideas that include pinwheels, mason jars, cupcake toppers, more pinwheels, etc etc etc.

     So basically my mind has been on "baby shower" mode all week, which is fine, but it's given me little to no patience to interact with humans. Like, I wish I could say, "Please leave, I need to cut out some pink elephants right now," but that's not very nice. That's why I was so irritated when a wholesaler came into my office this morning and I had to listen to him talk about his cat and his apartment and Ce Lo Green and the weather for 25 minutes. I sat there and smiled and engaged in the conversation, but in my head things were completely different. And since I recently discovered how to put moving pictures of myself in these posts, that's what you're getting. Moving pictures are WAY more fun than still pictures. So watch some of my honest reactions to what he was saying.

"Well, I'm actually kind of a mutt. I've lived all over the US except for the Pacific Northwest. I've lived everywhere. Now I live in downtown LA on the 30th floor of a 34 story building. There's a helipad on the roof."

How I wished I could respond...

"I have a cat. It's a 9 month old teacup long haired Persian. CeeLo Green lives next door to me and he has the EXACT SAME CAT! We had play dates until his cat hit my cat. My cat didn't like it. I have a cat walker."

How I felt...

"His name is Danger. I got him from a breeder in Colorado. It was my girlfriend's idea."

You had a girlfriend???

"Well, I guess I'll just go now. No no no, I can't stay and have coffee. I'll come back in three weeks."


I'm not even sorry for putting you through that.
What kinds of things turn your brains to mush?

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Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Where you won't meet a guy

     You know those girls who just always seem to have a boyfriend? They break up with one and then a week later they're dating someone new and you're like, how is this happening??
Yeah T-Swift, I'm looking at you.
      I've never understood these girls. How are they doing it? Where are they finding these guys and how are they finding them so FAST? I'm honestly curious about this, because in the last 3 1/2 years I've had exactly one boyfriend and gone on dates with a total of four guys, and I think that's mostly because I haven't met any guys who want to ask me out on a date. I mean, there's the bank guy but I think I shot that relationship in the foot before it even had a chance to happen because of PIE. PIE!
     I mean, I'm not complaining (well maybe just a little bit), I'm just kind of in awe of the serial daters. So even though I have absolutely no idea where to meet a guy, I do have a list of places where I know I won't meet a guy. Or if I do meet a guy at one of these places, he's probably not the one for me. Let's explore.
-At the bank. You don't want your boyfriend to see how you mismanage your money. You don't want him know that you overdrafted your account twice last month, and you don't want him to know that you haven't actually started saving for retirement. And even if you go to the bank strictly for work related business and not personal business, don't try to flirt because you'll probably just end up having a conversation about pie. And no matter what Kalyn and Sebastian say, puckering up your lips like DIS and batting your eyelashes like DAT isn't a good idea. You'll look like DIS and he won't be asking you out.

It's how I've managed to stay single this whole time.
     -At the gynecologist's office. A guy has no business being in a gyno's office unless he's the actual gynecologist. And if he is, well, you don't want to date him because just think about what he spends all day doing. Just no.

     -At a bar after 1am. If a guy starts macking on you at a bar after 1am I have news for you: he's looking for a hook up and nothing else. And he's probably completely hammered and will end up throwing up on you at some point during the night a la reverse 40 Year Old Virgin. "Did you have shellfish?" Don't let a guy you've known for three hours puke on you. Don't be that girl.

     -In Victoria's Secret. There are two reasons why a guy would be in Victoria's Secret. Either 1) he's there shopping for his significant other, or 2) he's a total creep and recently watched John Tuker Must Die. You don't want to date this guy.
-At Barnes and Noble. I know it sounds romantic and perfect (or maybe it just does to me?), but it's not going to happen. You will not be sitting in a chair reading Drinking and Tweeting and Other Brandi Blunders Fifty Shakes of Grey Moby Dick when your dream guy comes up to you and starts chatting you up about the great novel you're reading and you will not go to Starbucks where he buys you an upside down caramel macchiato and you will not be married for the next 60 years.

It's not happening.

     And to be on the safe side, you probably shouldn't count on meeting a guy at the nail salon, in a dark alley, at a tanning salon, at a car dealership, hitchhiking on the side of the road, in a bowling alley, at a wine bar, at a softball game, at a baby shower, or at a museum. Really, you're probably just SOL no matter what, and that's probably for the best. This way you don't have to share your wine.

PS: You can tell me if you're the exception to any of these places.
I won't judge you.
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