Thursday, September 19, 2013

Go to the mattresses (as long as you have a lotta dollhairs)

     Yesterday I had to do one of the most grown up things ever: I had to shop for a bed, and it was pretty traumatic. Have you ever had to go bed shopping? The last time I looked for a bed was in 2008 when I was shopping for an air mattress to sleep on for the summer. An air mattress. The one I bought was great for about a week, but then it got a small hole in it that made it so every single night I'd go to sleep with a mattress full of air and then I'd wake up in the morning with my honkeytonk hanging out on the brick floor and my head and feet up high. I looked like a V. But that was the summer when I caught up on Grey's Anatomy (back then there were only 4 seasons I think) so it wasn't all bad. Anyway, my point is that I'm a grown up now and my back needs a little more support than an air mattress can provide so I need to shop for grown up things. Whatever.
From this video which is pretty hilarious. Andy Samberg ILY.
     But anyway, that's not the point. The point is that I had to go bed shopping. The first thing I learned about bed shopping is that you don't call it bed shopping. It's mattress shopping. I learned this the hard way when I went into a mattress store and tried to be all funny and said, "I need a BED!" Like duh Juliette that's ALL THEY HAVE IN THIS STORE why are you so awkward. And the guy (who was wearing flip flops, am I the only one who thinks that's a little unprofesh?) got this irritated look on his face and said, "We sell mattresses here. If you'd like a bed frame you'll have to get it somewhere else. If you'd like a mattress I can show you some." So I put my tail between my legs and responded with an embarrassed, "Uh, sure, yeah show me a mattress. A queen size." Because I don't want to look like this:
      I didn't really know what to expect with mattress shopping, and I learned a lot, like that the mattress man will give you a pillow (I'm cringing thinking of how many other people used that pillow) and make you lie down while he watches to see how you like it. Is it just me or is that weird? For one thing, I don't want somebody watching me lie down. 

It made me feel a little bit like this:

     For another thing, when I'm in bed I am never lying flat on my back staring straight up at the ceiling. Hell to the naw. If I'm on my back one arm is usually over my head and the other is around Mr. Quackers. Then I'll usually roll to one side, and eventually I'll roll all the way over onto my belly with Mr. Quackers under me and one arm wrapped around a pillow. It's a process and I didn't feel comfortable testing that process while Mr. Open Toes judged watched me. I mean REALLY do any of you just lie down in bed flat on your back and stay like that all night? NO. YOU DO NOT.


     This is the truth: the first mattress was WAY too soft. Like being on a cloud but in a bad way. The next mattress was way too hard. And the third mattress was just the right blend of supportive and cushy. And that's what I told him, and then I felt like I should ask him for some porridge. (Goldilocks, KEEP UP.) So then I looked at the price and I almost passed out. It was $798...on sale. It was just like the part in Bridesmaids where they're dress shopping and Helen says they should get the Fritz Bernaise dress and Annie whispers "It's eight hundred dollars!" and Helen says "Are you kidding? IT'S ON SALE!" and I was the Annie. Except in my case the Fritz Bernaise mattress was actually really awesome it just happened to be wuh-hay over my budget (just like most things are). Oh and you should know that this whole process took about four minutes. This guy really wasn't in the mood to help me look for a mattress. There were at least 30 different mattresses in the store and I saw THREE OF THEM.


     It was obvious that I wasn't going to find the perfect mattress at the fancy mattress store with Mr. Open Toes, so I went to Sears. Sears was almost more awkward because no one was helping me so I was blindly walking among the mattresses just looking for one that wasn't going to make me cry AKA one that was not $798 on sale. Guess what? I didn't find one. I did see a man just lying on a mattress taking a nap even though there are so many signs that specifically say not to do that. It looked like this:


     I checked and the mattress was so expensive that the guy may as well have been lying on a huge pile of money.  I also saw another sign that made me giggle because I'm a junior high boy.


     And that's why I will probably be sleeping on the floor or the couch for the first few nights at my new apartment which I am not blogging about until we sign the lease because I don't want to get ahead of myself even though I've already tweeted about it and told my friends and my Grandma because I'm going to party on Margarita Street and you can come too!!
 photo ScreenShot2013-06-23at112320PM_zps46bb1b5d.png

27 comments:

  1. Yay! Moving is so much fun (said no one ever). But living by your self is really awesome and so is having a bed so I hope you find one soon and also I want to come party on Margarita Street. On the rocks, hold the salt.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I hate mattress stores.. The man at yours needs to invest in some shoes... flip flops are no bueno!

    ReplyDelete
  3. It's totally ridiculous how expensive mattresses are! They only charge that much because everyone needs a mattress. Being a grown up sucks!

    ReplyDelete
  4. mattresses are so expensive! but i'll give you ONE piece of advice when it comes to mattresses- YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR. for real. my mom bought a cheap one to save money and she HATES it. look for high quality mattresses on sale -- this is YOUR SLEEP; mattresses last a long time so imo, it's totally worth it.

    if you get a cheap one, you'll end up getting other things to try and make it more comfortable and you'll probably hate it so much you'll end up getting a good one anyway.

    -kathy
    Vodka and Soda

    ReplyDelete
  5. Do you have a big lots in your area? I've bought two mattresses there (and by "I" I mean my parents bought one and basically paid for half of the other one) and they have been wonderful. They sell nice ones like Serta and whatnot but for good prices. I'm pretty sure that full sized one I got was maybe around $300, so a Queen shouldn't be much more than that.

    ReplyDelete
  6. We've been needing to buy a new mattress for some time, I call it shopping for a bed too.. but what do I know ;D It's crazy how expensive they are! Hopefully you are able to find one before too long, and in your price range!

    ReplyDelete
  7. mattress shopping really is SO WEIRD! I went and walked out empty handed last year for the same reasons. I found that when they think you're going to spend the money (and when you get a person not wearing flip flops to help you) they put you in a million beds and even one bed that tries to find your perfect sleep number thing. I'm just laying around patiently waiting for this machine bed to find my match while this pushy lady and however many customers just stared... and then I left. Definitely not my favorite memory.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Okay. I'm going to tell you a story. Eric and I went mattress shopping a few weeks ago (bed shopping, really. Who the eff calls it mattress shopping? I don't want to sleep on a mattress on da flo!) his friend who I hate because he's redneck and rude and loud and talks to me like I'm an idiot "because I'm a girl" (woof) recently got a mattress for practically zero dollars at this weird ass sketch-o-rama warehouse like thirty minutes away and said it was "super legit." I call bull hockey on that one, but we went anyway because like hell were we gonna spend $100000 doll hairs on a bed. We arrived at this place after the owner texted us the address (sketch #1) but when we got there, the door was locked and all the blinds were closed (sketch #2). Also it was in the middle of a bank of loading docks (sketch #a billion). We called the guy and he was like "uh sorry. I had to go let my dog out. I'll be back in twenty." 45 minutes later, he came back and let us in and I straight up felt like I was walking into A's lair, PLL style. Hated. It. But the mattresses were all top of the line super fancy shmancy factory overflow that he got insane deals on. He ended up giving us the most expensive (like over $1600) pillow top mattress with memory foam AND a $900 dark wood sleigh bed bed frame for $750 TOTAL. It's a gorgeous bed an a luxurious mattress and we basically robbed him. So like...there are drugs in our mattress...right?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is why I love Mason. She needs to blog about this.

      Delete
  9. Your use of Andy Samberg and Huel GIFs in this post are so spot on I almost forgot to read the entire story.

    But I read it, and I laughed and when I come visit I would like to party on Margarita Street AND THROW SOME CAKE ON THE GROUND.

    Please tell me you get that reference. Also I love you.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Okay sooooo I have the world's comfiest bed and my dad legit bought my mattress off of Amazon. He got a really good deal, but just make sure they will deliver it and stuffs.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Poor Mr. Quackers. How would you like to have someone bigger than you sleep ON you all night? And by no way am I calling you fat, duh. Also, do you need just a mattress or are you "bed shopping" because you need all the things?

    ReplyDelete
  12. Ewwwww... Having him watch you lay down is creepy as all hell..

    And flip flops is very unprofesh! not to mention OH&S!

    ReplyDelete
  13. I went bed shopping- er, mattress shopping- with my grandmother over the summer and it was totally Aca-awkward. Hated. It. And I couldn't believe how ungodly expensive it was. I'm not really planning to ever buy a bed.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Dude go to ikea. We spent 1000 on a king sized bed frame, mattress, and box spring (whatever that is).

    ReplyDelete
  15. "Mattress" shopping is the hardest! Boyfriend and I are getting each other a King Tempurpedic for Christmas and I've been saving for Months!! Good luck - Open Toes sounds creepy and passive/aggressive

    ReplyDelete
  16. I'm kinda terrified to drop that much into a mattress! But, I'm needing a new one, "Help me I'm poor!" (name that movie)

    ReplyDelete
  17. i've never had to do this. nor do i want to.
    my thoughts and prayers are with you during this dark time.

    ReplyDelete
  18. The second photo makes me laugh. He's drunk and slept on a very small mattress. Get a life man!
    cheap mattresses pittsburgh

    ReplyDelete
  19. well it is really a funky kind of stuff you have added in this blog.
    Luxury Beds and Mattresses

    ReplyDelete
  20. Just awesome.. Yes mattress is important part of our life and we should be very careful while tackling the mattress..We need to clean them regularly
    Mattress Cleaning Brisbane
    Mattress Cleaning Gold Coast

    ReplyDelete
  21. It's a bummer to grow up, right? But all the same, it teaches us several things. You really use the term mattress instead of bed to avoid confusion. Next time you need a new mattress, go check out models online first. If you have the time, you can ask your doctor which among a firm or soft bed suits your back better. This is just one of those awkward first times you'd have in your life. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  22. Too, too cute! What a great way to modify the pattern, and I love that touch of turquoise in there, just perfect!
    beds and mattresses for online sale

    ReplyDelete
  23. Mattresses makes sleeping more comfortable, I 'll go for it.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I admire the valuable information you offer in your articles. I will bookmark your blog and I am quite sure they will learn lots of new stuff here than anybody else!Come forward to our online mattress store Shop.bestpricemattressstore.com where we provide you the
    Best Mattress to Buy at reliable price We at Shop.bestpricemattressstore.com do best deal on mattress.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Elegant stuff you have added in your blog..
    Superb and outstanding..!!Quality Beds and Mattresses

    ReplyDelete
  26. Thank you for the great post,It is really a big help.thanks for sharing nice blog . dental medical technologies international

    ReplyDelete