Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Yeah, but he's like my FIRST cousin

Oh hey friends, what's up? You're here to hear about that guy who peed on the lawn, right??
Good. Let's go. First of all, this guy is my sister's husband's cousin, and we're going to call him Scott, which isn't his name (duh), but I feel like I should sort of protect some of his privacy or something.

Sooooo let's see...where were we?

Oh yeah. DRANKS.

     For all of you who were wondering (Allie) a strawberry mimosa is just strawberry champagne with orange juice. I use the Andre brand because it's really affordable (CHEAP) and does the trick. So I was drinking my strawmosa and hanging out with the ladies and then before I knew it I was on my second glass bottle and I was outside because that's where the barbecue was and where there's barbecue smoke there are men and what did my eyes behold but my sister's husband's cousin, Scott! So of course I did what anyone would do, I looked him up and I looked him down and I went to the Twit to ask a very important question:
     Well, none of you answered me (thanks a lot for THAT) )(except Brittany which I forgot about and she said he's my cousin in law in law) so I interpreted your silence as tacit compliance (name that movie and you get 5 cool points) and got ALL OVER DAT (sort of). It wasn't too long before I stole his hat and forced him to take a picture of me. I always take guys' hats when I drink. Or their jackets, or sunglasses, or watches. Poor Scott, he looks so miserable right here (not).
Oh look at me letting him keep his anonymity.

And I was remembering this scene from Mean Girls.

I refilled my drink and when I turned around he had gone outside and was making himself wuh-HAY too comfortable and doing something horrifying. So I told Twitter about it, obviously.

     But I did keep trying to flirt with him, and it worked, and pretty soon I had him wrapped around my slightly deformed crooked little pinkie. And then he was really nice to me and said sweet things which made the whole peeing on the lawn thing not such a big deal to me.

     And then I found out that he's a professional masseuse so you better believe I took advantage of that, and you would have to. In addition to being a bit of a clothing klepto when I drink, I also make people give me massages. I will literally walk up to someone and put his (90% of the time it's a guy) hands on my shoulder and say, "Now RUB." And it almost always works! Scott was really into it, and I kept saying, "Can't you feel how tense my shoulders are? I'm sooooo tense. You might need to do this all night."

     Some background information: I first met Scott over three years ago when I was my sister's maid of honor and he was one of his cousin's groomsmen, and I think we interacted for about four whole minutes. I remember him telling me where he lived and that's about it. It's not like we had some deep meaningful conversation three years ago. Aaaaaanyway, I'm so not interested in dating right now that all I really wanted to do on Saturday was drink my strawmosas and hang out with people and relax from the stress of the shower. So when Scott wanted to actually talk alone and not with people I wasn't that excited, but I figured it couldn't hurt, and my face was feeling warm and fuzzy (a feeling I like to refer to as "buzz face"), so I went and sat down next to the barbecue with him. 

Scott: "Dang, so like, what's up?"
Me: "Alcohol!"
Scott: "Man, I mean like, it's nuts that we're both here right now, you know what I'm sayin'?"
Me: "Uh, I guess so."
Scott: "I mean, what I'm like, tryin' to say, is just that like, you're [expletive] beautiful."
Me: "Oh, uh,t hanks."
Scott: "Man, like, I don't know, you know what I'm saying?"
Me: "........"

    Then it was silent for 40 seconds, so I decided to make appropriate conversation.

Me: "What's the worst thing you've ever done?"
Scott: "Man...."
Me: "It's ok, you don't have to tell me. I was kind of joking."
Scott: "No, it's like, it's just like, it's hard, you know what I'm saying?"
Me: "Uh, no, not really."
Scott: "I don't know, it's just like, like you're the type of girl I would marry, you know?"
Me: "What does that have to do with anything..."
Scott: "Man, it's just like, you know, like, you're here, and you're like the most beautiful girl, and it's just like, it's hard, you know what I'm sayin'?"
Me: "Uh, no. I really don't have any idea what you're saying."
Scott: "Man, well what I'm tryin' to say is like, you know, like I want to marry you, you know? Like, would you wanna marry me, Nikki?"
Me: "That's not even my name!!!"
Scott: What? Oh. Shit."
Scott: "Look man, I'm sorry. It's just like, I"m just so distracted right now, you know what I'm saying?"

     So then I go inside to go to the bathroom, and when I come out he's talking to a friend of my sister. And I walk up to them and this is what I interrupt.

Scott [to friend]: "Here, sit on my lap."
Friend: "What? Why?"
Scott: "Wow, are those your real eyeballs?"
Friend: "Uh yeah."
Scott [to friend]: "It's cool, you know, you're married, right?"
Me: "That's what I JUST SAID."
Cousin: "But like, your eyes..."
Friend: "Oh... look... I need to go do... something..."

     So then we go inside and just start talking with a bunch of other people and he's really touchy feely, which it fine because I keep making him massage me, and then we ended up just taking a whole bunch of pictures with some other guys, and most of them looked like this:

Sorry for the overload of hotness. I should have prepared you for that, I know.

     A little later we were outside talking again and then all of a sudden he says, "Hold on," turns around, and starts peeing on the lawn again! AGAIN! Right in front of me! So of course I did the mature thing, I yelled "WHAT ARE YOU DOING" and ran inside and laughed and texted Brittany and told her what had just happened.

Me: And then he turned around and STARTED PEEKNG ON YHE LAWM (exactly what I typed.)
Brittany: What?!?! Is this reall life???

Yes, Brittany. It was real life.

     Scott and I had both planned to sleep at my sister's house that night. I had dibs on the guest bedroom and he had dibs on their couch. By this point I was tired so I abandoned Scott and went to bed.Well, not 2 minutes later, there was a knock on my door, so I pretended to be asleep because I was actually really tired and I didn't feel like having any more weird conversations. Scott couldn't take a hint and he came in the room, sat down, shook me awake, and started having deep conversations.

Scott: "Like, what do you want out of life?"
Me: "I don't know. I like my life right now. I'm good."
Scott: "But like, that's what I'm sayin', like what do you want?"
Me: "I just told you, I'm good. What do you want?"
Scott: "Man, like, that's tough. I don't know."
Me: "Oh."
Scott: "Like, ok here check this out: When my cousin married your sister, it was like, that was the biggest thing that had ever happened to me, you know? And now it's like, my cousin is having a baby, and like now this is the biggest thing that's ever happened to me. You know what I'm saying?"
Me [my eyes have been closed this whole time]: "Huh...weird."
Scott: "But like, what do you want?"
Me: "I'M GOOD. What do you want? What do you want to do?"
Scott: "Like that's what I'm sayin'. I wanna have kids and play with them someday."
Me: "Do you want to work?"
Scott: "No, not really. I just want to hang out with my kids all day."
Me: "Uh, I'm really tired."
Scott: "Oh, it's like that?"
Me: "Uhhh..."
Scott: "Fine. Like, whatever, man. I don't even..."

And I was like....

     Then Scott walked out, and then five minutes later he came back in and said, "I think I left my shoes in here," and he looked under the bed for a couple of minutes and again I just pretended like I was asleep. And then I laughed to myself and couldn't believe what had happened. I'm still kind of confused. OH BUT WAIT. Then the next morning happened. 

     So the next morning I got up and Scott and my brother in law and my sister and his sister were all just hanging out, and he came over and started talking to me, and he told me that I broke his heart the night before. Uh, I'm sorry, Le WHAT? He told me he went outside and cried for an hour. "A lot of feelings came out last night." And I told him that I didn't know how to respond to that and he said "It's fine," and he showed me a text he sent to his friend that said something like, "Got my heart broken last night," and then we sat on the couch. After a while I stretched out and my legs ended up on his lap, and guess who hadn't shaved her legs in a week and a half several days? Me. Don't judge my shaving preferences. Everyone's different. Scott couldn't get over my hairy legs, and I was way too tired to even care. Plus, he lives far away and I NEVER SEE HIM so it's not like it really mattered. But of course I had to tweet about what was happening. 
Scott: "You really don't even give a shit, do you?"
Me: "About what?"
Scott: "Well like, most girls would be freaking out that I'm touching their legs if they aren't perfectly smooth."
Me [laughing and looking at my phone]: ".....oh. Yeah I don't really care."
Scott: "You don't really like boys, do you?"
Me: "Well now you're making me sound like a lesbian."
Scott: "No, I mean like, you just don't seem like you want a boyfriend."

So then I patted him on the head and said, "BINGO!" 

And then he said, "Hey, are we friends on facebook?"
And I said, "I think we used to be but then I deleted you because I never talked to you."
And then he said, "Well add me now!"
And I looked at him and said, "Uh, no. I don't send friend requests, I just get them." But he didn't get the reference and I didn't explain it because I'm a stone cold beeyotch.

     And then we watched Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil and he kept rubbing my furry legs and I kept not caring at all. And I really need to thank Twitter, Brittany, Allie, and Faith for letting me give them the play by play. Especially Brittany because she got more drunk texts that night than I've sent in a really long time. Thanks.

     That was pretty much it. We side-hugged when I left and then someone gave Scott my phone number and he ended up texting me and apologizing for being an idiot, and I told him not to worry about it but what I really wanted to say was, "It's ok because you gave me such fantastic material for a blog post and you've cemented even more in my brain that I don't want a boyfriend at all because I really really hate shaving my legs."

     And the moral of the story is that even if your sister's husband's cousin isn't technically your relative, you should stop talking to him the first time he pees on the lawn.
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  2. Holy crap this is kind of funny! I wish I would have been a part of the play by play on twitter lol

  3. Oh I've been waiting for this... This is a good one. I've definitely pretended to sleep on more than one occasion to avoid awkward situations like that.

  4. Bahahahaha! "You know what I'm sayin?" You need to find people to cast in a short film of this! And I'm also pretty sure I have family members that consider reunions as speed dating.....

  5. I can't even. I'm crying. Those pretty guys.. always so dumb! You should have told him that what you really want out of life is a professional sports player husband. KTHANKSBYE. That's what I would have done.

  6. Remind me why we even try anymore?

  7. I left a comment and then my internet went out. But I have come here to say several things that I will now list.

    1) You left out the part where he called you by a DIFFERENT NAME when he proposed!

    2) This is the best thing that's ever happened to me on a Saturday night sitting on my couch. UHHHH-MAZING.

    3) I most certainly DID tell you he was your relative but you were probably blacked out....ahem, I mean, distracted by muscles. He's your cousin-in-law-in-law! https://twitter.com/Brittany_WMSB/status/361333333650702336 Perhaps that doesn't count though?

  8. Oh. emmm. Geeeee. I'm dying at my desk and I'm sure my boss thinks I'm crazy. This can't be real life....maybe I shouldn't have gotten divorced....this single girl shiz don't seem any easier lol. (J/k btw...definitely should have.)

  9. Oh I swear every guy I'm interested in turns out to be as stupid as this guy. I give up.

  10. hahahahha I love the play-by-play!

  11. HAHAHA this is amazing. He is special for sure but here..guys pee outside all the time..so I am used to that. I was thinking he was trying to sneak all up in the bed with u.

  12. Ha ha. So well written! :) And yes, pee is always always a red flag.

  13. OMG - I loved this. It was so funny, the kind of stuff you just can't make up~

  14. He's Just Not That Into You... ironic don't you think?

    Secondly. Thank you for supplying my life with such greatness as this.

  15. I think this post just made my day haha!

  16. Ohhhhhh my goodness. Masterful story-telling. I felt like I was there. And I wanted to slap Scott in the face yelling, "PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, MAN!"

  17. Hilarious. But you always are. hahahahaah

  18. This is UH-MAZING. Please have him over more often... just for this. Please. Take one for the (blogging) team and pseudo date him. You could end up with enough material for a best selling book in like, 2 months (1 if you aren't into novels.)
    Seriously, just think about it.


  19. Holy Holy HOLY

    i am dying. literally dying reading this!!!

    i cant get over this guy haha coming into your room sleeping LOL then leaving his shoes!?

    too funny. I wonder if he will ever read the blog post!! also,..you are amazing for remembering the convo word for word. Like...if this was me, at some point i would have recorded him on my celly jsut for later references LOL


  20. Literally just died laughing. So glad you posted about this. I wish I had access to Twitter 24/7 so I could have seen all of this. Also wish I had gotten those texts. It would have made my weird night a lot better.

  21. High quality hilariousness!! This is the first post of yours I've read, got the link to your blog from http://recentlyroached.blogspot.com/ Twitter!

    sorry. i had to contain myself. weeeeelllll, i thought there would be some sort of kiss in there but it went in the complete opposite direction and i am so glad it did (i apologize for laughing at your misfortune!).. stay single and with unshaven legs! i always have to care about shaving now and it sucks (still in college with a bf.. nothing serious, don't panic! i told you i wouldn't get hitched or knocked up for another 4 years!) :)

  23. This is freaking hilarious!! And, of course, excellent blogging material!

  24. this is so tragic and fantastic and i was laughing the entire time i read it and i haven't shaved in a long time either. sorry, not sorry.

  25. Hahaha this is awesome and movie quote is from He's just not that into you :D cool points!

  26. this just made my day. TOO GOOD. So damn funny. "I don't send friend requests, I just get them" FREAKING AMAZING. You go, Glen Coco.

  27. I just came across this blog and it is amazingly hilarious. I haven't read all you post but this post is wonderfully funny. Good job.

  28. HAHA 'you don't really like boys, do you?' No - you like MEN. Amazing play by play, like a trainwreck.

  29. annnnnnnnnd you made out with him.

    but seriously, this post just completely made my friggin day. I'm so sad that I had zero reception - I wish I could've had the live play-by-play.

    so good, just so so good.

    he's your soulmate by the way.

  30. Hahaha, Omg! You don't make me miss the single life at all. Or maybe you do make me miss the single life because I never have stories like that anymore? I don't even think I can decide. Also, girls with boyfriends are supposed to shave their legs? Hmmm... I'd rather try and beat my own records and text my boyfriend about how hairy they are. That's probably why he hates me. OH WELL.