Thursday, July 18, 2013

Word Vomit

     This week I've tried to do something I think I used to be at least mediocre at: flirting. Sorry, that was a lie. I don't think I've ever been good at flirting. I mean, when I was 16 I tried to flirt with a guy by driving past his house and throwing an ice cream sandwich at him. We ended up dating but that's beside the point. But you guys, this week was BAD. Here's the deal. I make bank deposits for work almost daily, and there just happens to be a tall dark and handsome teller who usually helps me with my 10 second deposits, and we usually exchange a couple of words. Just a couple. Like, hi how's your day, I'm good, the weather is great today. Back around Thanksgiving we got a little more personal because I told him I made pies (yeah, I'm domestic, WHAT?). and he would ask me every so often if I'd made any pies lately. Don't stop reading, I promise it gets better. Anyway, this week two unnamed ladies convinced me to flirt with him, so yesterday I decided it was time. Here's how it went down.
(Scene: I walk into the bank. He waves me over to his window.)
Him: I can help you out over here.
Me (smiling): What's new?
Him [shakes head]: Not much, you?
Me: Not much. Oh, well I baked some more pies.
Him: Oh tha-
Me [cutting him off]: They were strawberry. Have you ever had strawberry pie? It's pretty good, and really easy. Basically just strawberries and corn syrup and sugar. Then you pretty much just let it chill for a little.
Me: I just really like pies right now.
He says nothing and hands me my receipt, and I leave, probably looking like this the entire time.

Or like this:

     So, the worst part? This wasn't unusual. Most of my attempts at flirting have been disastrous. Like, I'll try and erase them from my mind because it's just so awful. 

See Shmiddy shaking his head in disappointment? That's how all of my friends react to my "flirting" because I think I'm Jess in real life.

     Oh, you need another story? I'll give you another story. My freshman year of college I met this guy, Ben (his name wasn't Ben, but you probably figured that out), and I had a crush on him (because I had a crush on every guy my freshman year of college). One night a group of us were hanging out and I was trying to flirt with Ben. We were talking about In N Out and I wish I could remember how this next part went down. He said something and there was something to do with grass and then THIS came out of my mouth:

     "If you were a cow I'd let you eat ME."

     It gets worse, because next, I did this:
Only I wasn't nearly as cute as Jennifer Lawrence. But who even is? NO ONE.

I do remember that at this point in time I was relating to Joey Tribbiani.

My friends told me to stop but I ignored them.

     So now my plan is to just never try to flirt with any more guys. I think it'll save me so much embarrassment in the long run. I think the key to being in a relationship is just not saying anything out loud.

     Oh wait, I just remembered another story. I have a particular bar downtown that I like, and one time I tried to flirt with the bartender by asking him,

     "Do you watch Survivor? Because you look EXACTLY like this guy Malcolm. Wait, I'll find a picture!"

     I sure did Google search "Survivor Malcom" and show the picture to the bartender, who was not impressed and didn't even give me a free drink. And you guys, whenever I think about these stories I feel a little like this:

     Oh, by the way, Ben is still my friend, and we've never dated. But he's told me on several occasions that I am completely awkward and come on way too strong. What's that? You want another JLaw GIF? Well this one is appropriate. 

     Is there a "Flirting for Dummies" book out there? Because I might need to invest in one.

 photo ScreenShot2013-06-23at112320PM_zps46bb1b5d.png


  1. I don't know what you're talking about, that cow comment is pretty brilliant.

  2. I think your pie story was just fine. He's the one who kept asking about the pies so he obviously has some communication issues. And I've seen several hot guy bank tellers, what's the deal with that? I don't want someone attractive observing how I can't manage my money!

  3. I just found your blog, and I have not laughed this hard in a long ass time! I love your "cow line", how can something that brilliant not have worked??

  4. I mean I don't understand what was so wrong about that conversation at the bank. Or why you won't share who these "unnamed ladies" are. I mean they seem pretty freaking genius if you ask me. And the cow comment... GOLDEN. I just need to carry you in my pocket so that when I'm flirting with a guy, you can flirt with him and make him automatically choose me of Awkward Annie.

  5. Hahahah... Now I want a strawberry pie, damn it! And I'm the same guy. Cute guy who pays a little tiny smidge of attention to me? I GOTTA CRUSH BITCHEZ. Usually why I date assholes. :p

  6. You're too awesome to even put into words. That cow comment? Golden. And I love Jennifer Lawrence and wish we were best friends in real life.

  7. Hahaha I love this so many. Why are we the same? I bet if we put our heads together and tried to flirt with pro sports players we could end up with one hi-larious reality show.. or at least a few good GIFS.

  8. hahaha yes yes i love this. i'm really awkward. ok so i'm married but i'm still awkward. that's whats kinda fun about flirting, you can still be awkward!!

  9. Ummm I love the cow comment tho...why is that wrong?

  10. I agree with Allie.. what gives. Two 'unnamed ladies' - I'm pretty sure they're the most two amazing ladies on the face of the planet.. or something.

    I still don't see anything wrong with the bank conversation. I think that you should bake him a pie tonight and deliver it to him tomorrow.

    But the cow comment. OH MY LORD. How did you not tell us this story before? This is amazing, and I think I'm going to use it as my next pick-up line. You know how I love me some good pick-up lines.
    Consider it stolen.

    This whole post is full of reasons why I don't hate you.

  11. Hahabi love this. I think I've blocked all of my bad flirting stories because I cant remember any off the top of my head. Mostly I just did a lot of giggling and stuff. I like the cow comment though, I'll have to use that.

  12. i think the cow comment was spot on girl.

  13. Haha I love love this. Think of me as the quiet awkward. Jess facial expressions, but if word vomit miraculously happens, it makes no sense. Or sounds like the cow line.

  14. it might save you some embarrassment in the long run to stop flirting, but the stories are oh so good! don't stop! ;)

  15. I feel like I'm the same way. But, these are funny stories. So, there's that. :)

  16. Omigosh, I haven't laughed this hard in forever. I mean, man. The pie man, brilliant. Next time you should totally walk in carrying a Hostess Pie (unless those went extinct like a Twinkie) and just plop it up on the counter silently and leave. :)

    That wouldn't be awkward at all.

  17. JLaw is my favorite. She is so amazing.

    I still vote that you should just keep flirt-practicing. It's bound to work out eventually!

  18. Those memes are perfect! And umm I love Jenny too (that's what I call her cuz we're buds.. Okay I'm lying but how awesome would that be?!)

  19. Found you through the link up. Hilarious. I might try the ice cream sandwich bit, I mean it did work out for you. And as hard as it might be to believe I think you've got better game than I do.

  20. Hahah! I love this post. I'm a horrible flirter too. But when my flirting does work, I end up going on horrible dates because the guys are so weird! I just wrote about it on my blog, but one guy tried to convince me to hook up with him and then his twin. Really?!

  21. hahaha this is amazing. I feel like you should tell mr. bank teller, "if I were a pie I would let you eat ME" ;) thanks for linking up!

  22. Hahahaha. I honestly don't remember the last time I laughed this hard at a blog post. I almost peed my pants, and I woke up my cat with my lol'ing. Soooo funny. Really, I am just dying over here. But I'm sorry it's at your expense...

  23. The bank conversation seems legit to me. Dude shouldn't have asked you about pies so much previously then.

  24. JLaw and Jess are my soul sisters. and guys totally dig girls that can bake so the bank teller was probably just wayyyy too impressed and smitten to say anything!! (:
    I totally do the same thing... just run my mouth all day long. I was totally into this lead singer of a band recently and the last show I went to a week or so ago he came up to me to talk and BAM I just started spewing out all the shows I've been to and how I liked his vest and blah blah blah looked like a total freak groupie. super attractive.

  25. Reba is right, you don't want to date a guy who has access to your monies... in any way shape or form. That could get weird.
    Then again, having friends in the bank world isn't a bad thing (extended line of credit! what!?!)
    BUT if you just really need to rectify the situation, don't bring up the pies again, unless he asks. If you only come in talking about pie he's going to think that's all you think about (I mean, that's all most of us think about but dudes don't want to know that & they shouldn't.) or he's going to assume that you just stay home every night baking pies and eating your feelings.
    Let him ASK for it. Then some time down the road you surprise him with a MIND BLOWING strawberry pie. And he's yours!

    Or take MacKensie's advice because HELLO! what an amazing blog post that would make!!!


  26. This is hilarious. All of it. But I really loved your comment about having a crush on every guy during freshman year of college. I was that girl shame!

  27. oh my gosh, how have I never come across your blog before!! you have got to be one of the best story tellers out here in blog land! i love how you can make such awkward situations seem like the best of times (even if they weren't while you experienced them!) great post : )

  28. But seriously though, I just stumbled across this blog post when I was midnight-creeping. And I died laughing all over again. I just love you.