Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Why first dates are the worst

     Sometimes people ask me, "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" First of all, rude. Second, because being single is pretty great, remember? (If you don't, read this post.) 
There's also another reason: because getting a boyfriend involves going on dates.
Specifically first dates, and for awkward people like me first dates can be horrible.
Maybe I'm just scarred from this experience?
Basically the thought of a first date makes me feel like this:
Are you sitting there thinking,
"Haha, Juliette you're crazy. First dates are great! There's excitement! Butterflies! Mystery! Free food!"
And to that I say, "Whoa, calm down. Too many exclamation points, sister. Let me explain to you, in GIF form, why first dates are so awful."
So, a guy asks you out? Congratulations!! At first you're sitting there in disbelief:
But then you decide to celebrate with your girlfriends that you've still got it:
And then you realize, with horror, that you have absolutely nothing to wear:
So after six stores and the opinions of your closest friends, you feel like you're ready to go. In fact, you might be feeling a little too confident (as if):

You meet him at the restaurant (because you don't know him very well and you're not ready for him to see where you live because did you see The Craigslist Killer on Lifetime??) and you're not sure whether to shake hands or hug:

Then you're sitting at the table and at first you're excited because FOOD:

But then all of a sudden you forget how to make conversation like a human, and you start saying things that make absolutely no sense:


And he says, "Um, are you ok?"
And you're sweating and you just want to go home but of course you can't tell him that, so you say,


You can feel the situation going downhill so you try to recover, but everything that comes out of your mouth sounds wrong:


You realize the evening isn't going according to plan, so you excuse yourself to the bathroom to make an emergency phone call to your BFF to help you figure out how to salvage the situation. She tells you to stop freaking out, and she gives you a suggestion:

DUH! Your friend is a genius.
So you try it.

But you fail miserably, mostly because:

Oh girl, you need to go home, but you can't, because you have to get through one last horribly awkward part of the date. The bill. Who pays? Obviously he should, but you still have to pretend like you want to. But you're bad at pretending, so you conveniently excuse yourself to the bathroom again. That's twice in ten minutes, FYI. When you get back, he's not at the table. He was so anxious to leave that he's now standing at the door waiting for you.
You're like, "I had such a great time...."
And he laughs awkwardly and says, "Hehe...me too...."

And you take a step forward to give him a goodbye hug but he has shut that down and instead, you get this:


So you go home and cover the embarrassment of the evening with a pint of ice cream:


And now it's time to take some advice from Jenna Marbles.

 photo ScreenShot2013-06-23at112320PM_zps46bb1b5d.png

26 comments:

  1. This is the most amazing thing I've ever read... and totes how I feel about first dates. ACA-AWAKARD

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    1. Sometimes the guys say something that makes me say, "aca scuze me??" and then they don't get the reference and it's just a big mess. ugh. Thank you for the shout out!!

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  2. I love this. Love the Mr. Bean thing. :D Yea first dates are awkward. Glad I'm not the only one. and I'm fine being single.

    Like the thing I posted on my fb yesterday. "No boyfriend. No problem. I'm Free."

    Being single is great b/c you dont have to worry about someone else. Dont have to worry about someone being jealous. or so much more. Didnt realize how much we had in common girl.

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  3. As someone who was on Match.com for 2 years and feels like I'm an expert dater, this is so spot on! It feels good when you knwo you have your game still but nothing about a first date is relaxing. Nothing! It's always tense and awkward. Especially if you know you don't have a connection with someone right off the bat. I did a whole online dating series on my blog a couple of weeks ago and I gave the advice of NEVER have dinner as your first date and my reasons why. Here it is if you want to read it. You will love it!
    http://www.buttergirldiaries.com/2013/06/how-i-failed-at-online-dating-and-still.html

    Ginny
    www.buttergirldiaries.com

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    1. Some people thrive from the nervousness of a first date but not me!
      No dinner on a first date is a good rule to follow, I like it!

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  4. This is beyond hilarious. I hate first dates too! They're so awkward, and I can only honestly think of one that I've gone on that I've ever actually enjoyed. You definitely hit the nail right on the head with this post!

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    1. Thanks! There is so much pressure on first dates, in my opinion. No thanks! (at least for now)

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  5. This is hilarious! I love the Bridesmaids gifs, perfect! Thankfully my first date with my now boyfriend was only a leeetle awkward, because we had been friends for a while. But believe me, I've had some bad ones.

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    1. Ahh yes, friends first. I've heard that's the way to go!!

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  6. SO SO awkward and uncomfortable. Way to sum it up perfectly!

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    1. I mean, if I were to make a pro and con list of first dates I think the cons would outweigh the pros by a LOT.

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  7. Love this post! This had me laughing the whole time. The gifs are perfect too!

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    1. Hahaha thank you! I'm glad it was entertaining :)

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  8. hahahaha omg this is AWESOME. yes yes

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  9. LOL! Loved it! And you totally nailed it girl.

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  10. Hey Juliette,
    I found your blog through Erin's design portfolio, I am getting her to redesign my blog for me.
    Girl this is one of the funniest posts I have read in awhile, you pretty much just explained every date I've ever been on. Gosh I love GIF's ha ha farrr too funny!
    I hope you don't mind but I loved your blog so much that I nominated it for a Liebster Award, the details are over on my page http://trialsandtribulationsofgthefatty.blogspot.com.au/
    So glad that I found your blog!!
    Have a wonderful week.
    Love Gi
    xx

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  11. It's been a long time since I've been on a first date, but they were awkward. All of them. I remember I invited one guy back to my place and then I found him in my room sniffing my bra.

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  12. Oh girl. You and I could be BFFs. I was reading this nodding my head being like "yes, yes and yes." I've written about my first date disasters...including the one where the guy called me babe (gross I don't even know you're last name) and the one where they said "I just want to take you somewhere and cuddle" (gag me, who are you psycho?!?!).

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  13. Girl, I'm dying. You COMPLETELY nailed it with this post.
    I can't even tell you how hard I'm laughing... at work... and praying I don't get in shit for not doing my work.

    You were completely right, we are exactly the same on first dates haha.

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  14. Lol love this and this is exactly why I dreaded first dates !!

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  15. this accurately describes every first date i've ever been on. except when i go in for the hug at the end i tend to give an awkward double back pat that makes me want to die of shame.

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