Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Where you won't meet a guy

     You know those girls who just always seem to have a boyfriend? They break up with one and then a week later they're dating someone new and you're like, how is this happening??
Yeah T-Swift, I'm looking at you.
      I've never understood these girls. How are they doing it? Where are they finding these guys and how are they finding them so FAST? I'm honestly curious about this, because in the last 3 1/2 years I've had exactly one boyfriend and gone on dates with a total of four guys, and I think that's mostly because I haven't met any guys who want to ask me out on a date. I mean, there's the bank guy but I think I shot that relationship in the foot before it even had a chance to happen because of PIE. PIE!
      
     I mean, I'm not complaining (well maybe just a little bit), I'm just kind of in awe of the serial daters. So even though I have absolutely no idea where to meet a guy, I do have a list of places where I know I won't meet a guy. Or if I do meet a guy at one of these places, he's probably not the one for me. Let's explore.
-At the bank. You don't want your boyfriend to see how you mismanage your money. You don't want him know that you overdrafted your account twice last month, and you don't want him to know that you haven't actually started saving for retirement. And even if you go to the bank strictly for work related business and not personal business, don't try to flirt because you'll probably just end up having a conversation about pie. And no matter what Kalyn and Sebastian say, puckering up your lips like DIS and batting your eyelashes like DAT isn't a good idea. You'll look like DIS and he won't be asking you out.

It's how I've managed to stay single this whole time.
     -At the gynecologist's office. A guy has no business being in a gyno's office unless he's the actual gynecologist. And if he is, well, you don't want to date him because just think about what he spends all day doing. Just no.


     -At a bar after 1am. If a guy starts macking on you at a bar after 1am I have news for you: he's looking for a hook up and nothing else. And he's probably completely hammered and will end up throwing up on you at some point during the night a la reverse 40 Year Old Virgin. "Did you have shellfish?" Don't let a guy you've known for three hours puke on you. Don't be that girl.

     -In Victoria's Secret. There are two reasons why a guy would be in Victoria's Secret. Either 1) he's there shopping for his significant other, or 2) he's a total creep and recently watched John Tuker Must Die. You don't want to date this guy.
NOPE.
-At Barnes and Noble. I know it sounds romantic and perfect (or maybe it just does to me?), but it's not going to happen. You will not be sitting in a chair reading Drinking and Tweeting and Other Brandi Blunders Fifty Shakes of Grey Moby Dick when your dream guy comes up to you and starts chatting you up about the great novel you're reading and you will not go to Starbucks where he buys you an upside down caramel macchiato and you will not be married for the next 60 years.

It's not happening.


     And to be on the safe side, you probably shouldn't count on meeting a guy at the nail salon, in a dark alley, at a tanning salon, at a car dealership, hitchhiking on the side of the road, in a bowling alley, at a wine bar, at a softball game, at a baby shower, or at a museum. Really, you're probably just SOL no matter what, and that's probably for the best. This way you don't have to share your wine.


PS: You can tell me if you're the exception to any of these places.
I won't judge you.
 photo ScreenShot2013-06-23at112320PM_zps46bb1b5d.png

19 comments:

  1. DYING over your puckered lips. Thankfully it was before 1 am when I met D at the bar. And also I didn't date him for another year.

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  2. The girls that really kill me are the ones that dated a guy for a substantial amount of time and then I see that they are now "single" according to Facebook and the next time I talk to them (within like 2 days) they tell me they're already talking to someone else....ok?? So you guys didn't break up because you were cheating?? What??

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  3. I HAVE NEVER UNDERSTOOD THOSE GIRLS!! Where are they finding these guys?? It was almost 6 months after my break up that i wen on a date. And I am by no means a hermit, but i know girls/have friends that get out of a long-term relationship & then less than a month later start ANOTHER long term relationship, not just a rebound...WHATTTT?

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  4. hahahaha this is awesome. And yes, how do they meet these guys?!?! I'm not good at this. Not at all.

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  5. But I was really counting on finding my next future ex boyfriend in a dark alley.

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  6. Okay I just discovered your blog everyday and I'm in love! You're so funny and I'm obsessed! I totally met a creeper at gilly hicks (the Abercrombie underwear store) once and needless to say he was a total creepy stalker. Try not to judge me too hardcore because I was only 15 but...I still should have known better.
    xxoo,
    Jordyn
    www.thefairyprincessdiaries.com

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  7. Bahaha I love all the supplemental gifs... you're too funny! :)

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  8. I also had trouble meeting guys, and in the end, I met my husband at a bar (but before 1am. My roommate would always say to me (in the most condescending tone possible) "you are NEVER going to meet your husband at a bar!" This was because I had PLENTY of those after 1am guys pickin me up, and I totally went for it. It wasn't until right before I met my husband that I realized I should probably raise my standards.

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  9. I have had those same questions about girls who are always in a relationship or dating or something! I was never a girl who got asked out a lot (slash ever), and I still haven't been able to figure out why some of my friends were going on dates like every night of the week, and I was just at home, like, "um, cooking for one blows."

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  10. I just found your blog-love it! One of my best friends is a serial dater and is a serious offender of the late night bar booty call (turned relationship, of course!)

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  11. I'm definitely guilty of being a serial dater in the past (see: college), and honestly I'm not sure how I did it, either. I guess if a guy seemed semi-normal and decently fun I just said yes. I will admit that got me into trouble once or twice, though. But now-days I have no idea where I'd meet men if I ever broke up with my boyfriend. I'd probably have to start baking pies and see where it took me... ;)

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  12. Another Juliette GIF! Love it. Meeting guys worth of dating is tough. Kind of just like making new friends post college is tough. Ugh, everything gets tougher once you grow up!

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  13. HOW DO YOU MAKE A GIF OF YOURSELF? Also. I call bullshit. You're totes okay with bank guy.... and tell me why a car dealership isn't good? That means he has money.

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  14. You know where you DO meet your future boyfriend at? Sports bars but only talk during halftime, sporting events, Dick's Sporting Goods. There's a trend here. Also, I just made all of that up. I've never been hit on at these places but I like to think I would.

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  15. Shut your mouth - I am definitely meeting the love of my life and you can't tell me otherwise!! :-P

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  16. I've only had one boyfriend as well and I completely understand where you're coming from!! I do not understand people with boyfriends each week either. Love this post!:)

    Shelby xoxo
    simplyshelbylynn.blogspot.com

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  17. so totally funny and so totally true!!! i've made the mistake of thinking i've found "the one" at the bar one too many times!! Erin's link to this post brought me here today :)

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  18. These are too perfect. Although, I do have to tell you that three years ago, my boyfriend was the attractive bank teller. (But I didn't meet him there, so maybe it's not quite an exception.) Aaaaand you crack me up so obviously I've started following you.

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  19. I do not understand serial daters. Where do all of these boys come from?

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