Bradley Cooper. Johnny Depp. Matt Damon. George Clooney. Ben Affleck. Brad Pitt.
What do all those men have in common? They've all been [correctly] named People's Sexiest Man Alive. What does that have to do with anything? Nothing, really. I just thought it would be a fun start to the weekend. You're welcome. Oh, also I thought it would be good to start off on a good note since I'm about to make a list of celebrities who are only considered hot because they're famous (and because MUSCLES).
1. Channing Tatum
I've never really understood the big deal about Mr. Tatum. In She's The Man I didn't even pay attention to him because I was too busy laughing at a funny-not-yet-crazy Amanda Bynes. Then he was in Step Up and I was like "he's a little gangsta but I guess it's ok, and everyone else is obsessed with him so I probably should be too," and then all of a sudden 2012 happened and he was really famous and then Magic Mike came out and it was like he was a god and I was like "whaaaaa...?"
Yes, Channing, I DO like cheese but I'd like it more if you could stay away from my Gouda.
2. Adam Levine
*Side note: how come no one ever called him Adam LeFINE?*
2. Andrew Garfield
I think my whole issue with Andrew isn't that his last name makes me want to sleep and eat lasagna, it's that he's SO skinny (which actually makes him perfect for Emma Stone, so kudos to you two). Sorry Andrew, but I just can't be attracted to someone who wears smaller sizes than I do. It really shatters my self confidence. Plus, I'm jealous of your hair.
4. Ian Somerhalder
Maybe it's just because I haven't seen The Vampire Diaries or Lost, but I don't get it. Sure, his eyes are bluer than a mixture of sapphires and a tropical ocean, but his smirk makes him look like he knows your deepest secret and he's going to blackmail you. Also, Ian, invest in some shampoo, your locks are looking greasy. STOP STARING AT ME!
5. Eddie Redmayne
NO ONE cared about Eddie until Les Miserables came out, and then Buzzfeed did some research and decided he's hot, and I was like, "I must be missing something," because I don't see it. I think the problem with him is that his lips have zero definition and his beard is peach fuzz. Silly Eddie, peaches are for eating, not for decorating your face!
6. Orlando Bloom
Orly (can I call him Orly?), has great hair. Like REALLY great hair. I think that's why we could never be together (sigh, him and Andrew Garfield); I'd be jealous all day every day. No thanks. Plus you kind of annoyed me in the LOTR movies.
7. Robert Pattinson
R Patz lost any respect I ever could have had for him when he agreed to portray a fairy opposite Kristen Stewart. Why would he do that? (MONEY.) He had things going for him when he was Cedric Diggory, but then he was like, "Nah, bro, I'd rather sparkle and be obsessed with a girl who bites her lip and can't decide between me and a wolf."
8. Matthew McConnaughey
Here's a quick version of ANY Matty McC movie EVER:
Matty and a girl meet and like each other.
Something happens that tears them apart.
Matty talks with a weird accent and takes his shirt off.
Matty makes grand gesture.
Girl cries and they kiss.
They live happily-every-after.
9. Ryan Reynolds
I think it's really possible I could lose friends over not thinking Ry-Rey is the hottest thing since a bacon donut. Well, I'm not apologizing for it. Sure, his skin looks kind of like caramel and he sure knows how to give a smolder, and maybe he has muscles, buuuuuuut I'm not feeling it (which is probs a good thing since, y'know, he's married and all that).
And #10 will for sure make me lose friends...
10. Ryan Gosling
I know what you're thinking.
Juliette, do you also not like puppies or bubbles or happiness??
Actually, I'm not the biggest fan of puppies (they drool).
Juliette, are you actually blind? Ryan is totes adorbs. What's wrong with you?
First of all, without my contacts I'm basically blind, but that has nothing to do with this.
He has teeny tiny little lips that don't look like they'd be any fun to kiss, his beard looks really itchy and I bet he has crumbs in it more often than not, and he tried to get away with wearing THIS.
It just doesn't work.
|The face I make when people talk about how hot Ryan G. is. See? He doesn't get it either.|
What do you think? Did I miss any? Am I out of my mind?