Wednesday, July 31, 2013

I'm more scared of them than they are of me

     Last night Jacey and I had dinner in Morro Bay (if you don't know who Jacey is, you can read a little bit about her here, here, here, and here. Oh and also here, that wasn't excessive was it?). At dinner last night I learned that if you pour Sprite in a glass of Moscato it makes a spritzer and spritzers are delicious and I love them and if you drink two of them and then go see Despicable Me 2 you'll be a happy camper, especially if you sneak in sour gummi worms and chocolate covered pretzels.
Our view. I didn't hate it. It's Morro Rock in case you're wondering.

     We were just sitting there, drinking wine and eating dinner and not bothering anyone when I felt an itch on my thigh. I reached my hand down to scratch it and if you think it was just a random itch you're wrong because OH MY GOSH it was a giant walking stick taking a hike up my thigh. Have you ever seen those guys? No? Well here, LOOK. And don't do a google image search for these because you'll never be able to unsee a 13 inch long walking stick that lives in Borneo.


     Well, naturally I freaked out, but since I'm a good little blogger (no I'm not) my first instinct was to try and take a picture of the nightmare that was happening on my upper thigh. So I stood up and rifled through the billion and two receipts in my purse for my phone while muttering OMG OMG OMG OMG get it off get it off get it off where's my phone I need to take a picture OMG why's it moving OMG OMG I need to take a picture like a crazy person. And then it crawled onto the chair and I took a picture, and I sure wasn't about to let that dude hang out with me while I finished my dinner, so I shook it off the chair onto the flowers next to me. That little guy was STRONG. Like the stage 5 clinger of insects. And thanks to the google I now know that some walking sticks in Borneo can get up to 13 inches long. Welcome to my nightmare, and don't even tell me that he was more scared of me than i was of him because that doesn't make me feel any better AT ALL.


GROSS. It was awful. Not as awful as a spider on my leg but still, pretty awful. And what the hell was he doing right by the OCEAN? Not such smart thinking, you little monster. Thinking about this awful walking stick got me thinking about other things that freak me out and that led me to compile this list just for YOU! You're welcome.

My Irrational Fears
please leave your judgment at the door.

//The ocean. It's true and kind of sad. I don't really mind the beach (wait yes I do because sand in my pants), but the ocean is a different story. I mean HELLO, did you ever see Jaws? Or Titanic? Disasters. It's so big and dark and cold and mysterious and it freaks me out. I'll never ever ever go on a submarine ride; the one at Disneyland was the worst 10 minutes of my life. I also hate feeling seaweed wrap around my legs and I'm terrified I'll step on a crab. And recently some guys almost got eaten by humpback whales in the ocean right next to my town so no thanks.


//Finding a snake in the toilet. If I get up to go to the bathroom at night I will always turn the light on and check the pot before I squat. I just KNOW that one night I'll forget to do that and I'll end up with rattlesnake venom in my sweetcheeks. Blah blah blah rattlesnakes wouldn't go in a toilet blah blah blah YOU DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING. And I just did a google image search for "snake in a toilet" and you are welcome for not posting any of those images because I'm even more terrified now.
Basically how I feel.

//Railroad tracks. I hate driving over them and I hate walking across them. I'm afraid I'll get stuck and I'll have to rely on some stranger to be my knight on a shining motorcycle and ain't nobody got time fo' dat.

//Car washes. I hate them and it's all the fault of one of the Final Destination movies. It's not the claustrophobia, it's that I'm afraid some guy is lurking inside the car wash and he's going to smash my windows and kill me as soon as the suds get wiped off my windows.


//Driving on bridges. Nope. No thanks. I'll do it but I'll hold my breath the whole time and I might cry a little.
NO.

//Cops. The thought of getting pulled over freaks me out. This is totally my mother's fault, because growing up if we drove past a cop car she'd slam on the brakes which, in my opinion, looks way more suspicious than driving 58 in a 55. So now if I drive by one and I'm not even doing anything wrong I'll still freak out. Like, my legs go numb and I feel like I'm gonna pee. Also I'm still really pissed about the two tickets I've gotten for not using a hands free device for a phone call. IT WAS AN EMERGENCY. Douchelords. Also, this is going to get worse starting tomorrow because my car registration expires today and guess who hasn't renewed it? GUESS GUESS GUESSSSS. (time is running out in my brain....)

And here's a picture of my face in a big thing of bubbles because I'm feeling generous.

The End. 
 photo ScreenShot2013-06-23at112320PM_zps46bb1b5d.png

25 comments:

  1. BAHAHAHAHA ok I burst into laughter like an idiot when I got to the "BATHTIME" gif. And that walking stick? I would have totally lost it if that thing was on me!

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  2. We're twins. all that shit scares me to death. and the snake in the toilet. holy crap I just can't even.

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  3. What is that...thing? mountain? volcano? hill? where are you?

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  4. I've never seen a walking stick before, I probably would have freaked out at first. But I'm pretty good as long as its not a spider. I had one of those crawling up my leg the other day, and there was no way I was waiting to try and take a picture ha ha!
    Those fears all sound pretty rational to me :D

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  5. but no really, train tracks are the worst, can i hurdle them so i don't actually have to walk on them. my worst nightmare.

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  6. "way more suspicious than driving 58 in a 55" sounds just like my mom haha!

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  7. I really like that you thought to take a picture so you could blog about it. I always remember the picture thing when it's too late.

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  8. OMG I totally understand the snake in the toilet thing. But I'm also pretty sure I watched a documentary when I was little about this family and one of the kids went to the bathroom in the night and peed on a huge snake that made it's way up the pipes. He didn't get bit but they were scared. Or it's possible that was a dream, either way, it a real fear of mine too!

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  9. I am so scared of cops. I INSTANTLY feel guilty like I've done something wrong, when I legitimately haven't. My friends think I'm crazy, but thanks for making me feel like I'm not alone on that one.

    Also, everything you named - yeah, not a fan. Not necessarily afraid of these things, but definitely not a fan.

    I've never seen or even heard of that walking stick bug thing. It looks so weird!
    I'm deathly afraid of earwigs. DEATHLY. So I feel you.

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  10. OMG I would have flipped shi-at if I had that thing crawling on me!!! There was a ginormous cockroach in the house last night and I wanted to cry and felt nauseous even after M.E. flushed it down the toilet. I just couldn't deal. Oh, and oceans terrify me too. Especially tidal waves.

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  11. I have done the snake check in the toilet every time for years. I also hit the shower curtain before going too, you know just in case there's a burglar in the shower waiting to pounce. All legit fears!

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  12. Mine is frog in the toilet, ahhhhhh

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  13. For real. snakes in a toilet. I didn't know that freaked anyone else out! Though now I'm scared of bats in my bathroom too since that happened like 2 weeks ago.

    And cops. I'm driving 5 mph UNDER the speed limit...why do I feel like I'm going to throw up because my heart is racing? Dumb.

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  14. Um now I'm scared of whales after seeing that!

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  15. My 2 yr old hates bridges. She freaks out going over and under them. Ant hills freak me out...I'm not even entirely sure why.

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  16. Haha Car Washes - I used to be irrationally TERRIFIED of drive thru's... like fast food drive thru's. (judging myself)

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  17. Wait, wait, WAIT. Those freaking bugs exist in CALIFORNIA? Now I have something else to be terrified of!

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  18. bridges, car washes, trains, spiders! hate them all. hate! so much horror can happen with those things.

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  19. All I want to know is why those krill didn't warn the poor diver like in Nemo... "SWIM AWAY!"
    what the hell is this!?! Disney totally gives me false expectations.

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  20. cops... i don't even do ANYTHING illegal and seeing one driving induces full on jello legs, shaky hands & cold sweats. and the more i react the more freaked out i get that i'm going to get pulled over and he's going to think i'm a tweaker which makes me freak out even more! the first time i ever got pulled over i was doing 52 in a 50. seriously. it was 8am on a country road, no other traffic and he asks me where i was going in such a hurry. i thought i was getting punked. he then proceeded to lecture me on how he's out there trying to make the roads safe and people like me think they can do whatever they want. he was so mean that i'm traumatized me for life and if i see one i'll do ANYTHING to avoid driving anywhere near him/her. i will literally turn into a parking lot and wait, go 10mph under the SL to miss lights, get off on the wrong exit, take a wrong turn, be late for work, dr. appts, breakfast/lunch/dinner with friends JUST to avoid the po. eek!

    LittleBirdBlogs

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  21. Oh my gosh. I'm getting scared just looking at the walking stick!! I hate bugs. Yikes! (Try having the last name Roach. Ick.)

    And Moscato with Sprite? Must try this.

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  22. I check for snakes too! Maybe not specifically snakes now but any creature that might be in there before I sit down. My mom used to watch Highway to Heaven and in one episode there's a snake in a lady's toilet. Scarred me for life.

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  23. You seriously may be the funniest person in the entire world. Entire. Maybe all the worlds.

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  24. Wow, glad I'm not the only one with an irrational fear of railroad tracks! I HATE them. When I have to stop at them I always stop way way back, and I know everyone behind me is like "What is this bish doing?!" But you know what? Getting all up in the trains business is NOT going to make it go any faster, so just step off. I'm stopping way back here where it's safe, thanks. Oh, and if you've never seen the movie Unstoppable, DON'T! I kept my eyes covered the whole time.

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  25. I hate the Ocean too! I've gotten taken under with too many riptides... scarred for life!

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