Friday, June 21, 2013

The Worst Date EVER.

The Worst Date EVER
(As in you should start feeling bad for me like now)

     Here's the background information you need: It was my freshman year in college and my floor was having an event to raise money for our floor retreat. It was sort of like a carnival where the guys came and bought tickets to do things like DDR, pie throwing, video games, etc. The biggest event of the night was the silent auction where we auctioned off ourselves for dates. Apparently it sounded like a good idea at the time.

     I didn't want to auction myself off in the beginning because it was so weird but I got talked into it mostly because a guy I had a crush on was coming and I was convinced this was the beginning of our romance. Well, someone did bid for me but it wasn't who I wanted. It was Andy (his name wasn't Andy), I knew him and we really weren't friends (he was kind of irritating).

     On the night of our eventual date (which had been rescheduled like five times) I was so sick. It was one of those awful head colds where it hurt to breathe, but I just wanted to get this date over with. The restaurant we were set to go to was a good 25 minutes away. Twenty-five minutes of awkward car small talk and no music because I guess he had something against the radio. At the restaurant two things were awful:
     1) March madness was going on and Andy didn't know a thing about basketball but he pretended to like it to appear manly or something.
     2) He danced with the white man's overbite to the music playing on the basketball game. For no reason. In the middle of BJ's.

     After dinner we went to the mall where we went to the pet store (closed) and stared through the window at sleeping animals (I'm not an animal person), and then the jewelry section of Forever 21 where he tried on the jewelry. I'm pretty sure he thought it was funny but I just thought it was awful and I wanted to leave.

     Next, he said he wanted to go to the Mac store. Since he's a guy, I thought, "Oh, he wants to go look at Mac computers. Um, fine." Well, I'm sure you can imagine my surprise when we walked right past the Apple store and into the Mac makeup store where he proceeded to ask them to match him with some concealer and powder.

     I'm not making this up.

     He wanted it for a photoshoot he was having that weekend. I did my best to try and hide occupy myself with the billion eyeshadows and lipsticks and pretend like I didn't know him but that plan was ruined when Andy yelled out, "Juliette! Come here and tell me which color looks best on my complexion!!!"


     By this point we'd been together for about four hours so I thought SURELY (and I think I can call him Shirley at this point) I'd put in my time and he'd take me back to school. Plus he was making fun of me for being sick and sniffing. (What a Regina.)

You can probably figure out what happened next.
He didn't take me home. We went to see 300.

During the movie he kept leaning over and whispering in my ear, "If you get scared let me know," and "Are you scared?" and "Let me know if you're cold." I was neither scared nor cold. And THEN I heard him mumble under his breath (three times) Whoa those guys are reeeeeeally ripped.

     Then finally finally finally he took me back to school and we never ever ever went out again. I did make sure to tell everyone every single detail about our date and I didn't feel like I was gossiping because Andy TOLD ME TO TELL EVERYONE THAT HE BOUGHT MAKEUP. I'm a little shocked he didn't yell out:

because I sure FELT like I was being bazinga'd!!!!!

     My friend Brian thinks this story is just hilarious and he's asked me on four separate occasions to tell him the story again. "Juliette! Tell that story about that date with that guy and the puppies and the makeup!" And then he'll interrupt the story if I've forgotten anything. "No, didn't he try on jewelry? What about the dancing?"

     The moral of the story is this: Don't ever auction yourself off for a date even if you know you'll get free food because you never know you'll have to endure. It might be the worst 7 hours of your life.


  1. That sounds horrifiying!!! No thanks...

  2. omg. I'm laughing my ass off b/c I'm a big BBT fan and the bazinga deal. Gotta watch that if you havent. I take it you have but still it's hilarious to me.

    auction myself off. Dont think I'm that desperate. LOL

    1. Yes I watch Big Bang theory.

      And I definitely didnt do it out of desperation haha! Wasn't that desperate then and I'm not that desperate now! I'd much rather be single than going on blind dates or anything.

  3. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA what the hell?! This is absolutely hysterical! I just wrote a post the other day about a guy I was sort of talking to, and I can't wait to post it.

  4. Oh my. That really does sound like the worst date ever. I don't know how you ever stuck it out the whole night!

  5. I can't imagine how you sucked it up for seven hours!! I have a younger brother who lives to bother me 24/7, so I can tolerate A LOT...but I highly doubt I would have been able to tolerate that daye! Hahaha

  6. Oh my GOD Juliet! No friggen way!!! Totally flaming. Totally gay. I swear, the month before I found my Fiance, one of the guys I dated for a lil bit seemed straight at first but the more we hung out, the more gay-er he became.

    MAC MAKEUP? Oh my god! That would have been the worst 7 hours of my life.

    One time I dated a guy from who was obsesssed with being a midget...ant size like in Honey I shrunk the kids. He would always pry and ask me if I would put him in my pocket and what I would do with him.


    These guys are psycho! We want guys who are manly, who woo us women, who sweep us off our feet and know how to romance a woman! We don't want some immature little mommys boy who wears make-up and shops at Forever 21.

    Oh my god nothing will surprise me anymore...nothing


    1. Hahah. Your experience sounds like it would make a good blog post!!
      Thanks for linking to your posts :)

  7. I can't believe this really happened in real life!! Wow. I'm so sorry you had to experience what sounds like, legitimately, the worst date anyone ever dreamed up. I hope the pain is quelled a little bit by the amusement that your situation brings to all of us reading about it though. You're a hilarious writer. :)

  8. OMG You were basically being held hostage!!!!!

  9. WOW that sounds horrible! I am so sorry for your loss of 7 quality hours. At least from now on, your dates will never seem as crappy :)

    And I'm loving your airplane and mean girls references. Ha!

  10. OH MY GOSH!! This is amazing. Hahahaha seriously, so good. You poor thing.

  11. hahahahaha this is freakin hilarious, and thus has made me subscribe to your blog.


  12. Let me just say, I am completely laughing my ass off. I feel SO bad for you having to endure that torture, but holy cow this makes for some seriously good content!! Great post yet again!

  13. This is just an awful date. I would have died during that.

  14. hahaha excellent use of gifs. This does sound like a truly horrible date. Thank you for linking up and providing us entertainment out of your misery ;)

  15. I'm dying. I can't even handle this post right now. :)