Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Bridal Breeds

     FACT: There are billions of people in the world.
     FACT: These people can be classified as a given type.
     FACT: Some of these types are really annoying.
     FACT: The same applies to people who are getting married.

The Fake Bride:
     The Fake Bride is not really a bride at all; in fact, she is rarely even a bridesmaid. This woman has watched countless friends, family members, and movie characters fall in love with "The One" and have that clicche, over the top production that we nowadays refer to as "a wedding." Each time The Fake Bride witnesses this, a fiery ball of raging fury begins to form in the pit of her stomach. She tires to quench this fire by gorging herself with chocolate, meatballs, and champagne, but this rarely works. When she admits failure, she resorts to one of the most pathetic ventures known to woman: fake wedding dress shopping, or fake wedding planning in general. Sometimes she plans this out really well and will stop at Wal Mart on the way to the salon and purchase the gaudiest, most tacky plastic engagement ring she can find (it's plastic because she's even too pathetic and sad for cubic zirconium), and then, armed with a false sense of entitlement and defensiveness, she'll enter a forest of tulle. Once she's arrived, she'll make up some story about a fake proposal (think: Rachel Green's story in Friends, complete with the blind nuns and famous singer), and put a consultant through torture as she leads her to believe she's going to be spending upwards of $5G in her store. She'll prance around in the dresses and take pictures, and then say she's noncommittal and she'll waltz out of there and go home to her sad, sad life.

     You can't really blame The Fake Bride, you kind of have to feel sorry for her. It's really Hollywood's fault that she expects to have a "white knight" moment. You know the kind ... she wants to be in trouble and have someone tall dark and handsome to save her and validate all of her feelings while the music swells and they enjoy their perfect kiss in front of a sunset as a slight breeze suddenly blows her hair like she's auditioning for America's Next Top Model. She's the girl who buys wedding magazines instead of Cosmopolitan, who buys veils instead of hates, and who buys wedding bouquets to use to decorate her apartment. She buys wedding picture frames and leaves the pictures of brides and grooms in them and pastes her face onto the bride's. She knows every sappy romantic comedy known to woman, and buys wedding cake in excess so she can eat it while she has The Notebook, You've Got Mail, or How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days on repeat on a Saturday night. On special occasions (think: after her sister's wedding, 2 too many episodes of Say Yes to the Dress, or if Mother Nature is about to give her a special visit) she'll pull out a wedding dress she stole -- excuse me, BORROWED -- from someone and sit in piles of tulle while chowing down on a hunk of Red Velvet cake with buttercream frosting; she's saved the cake topper, of course.

    "Oh Big, you're such a JERK!! Go back to the church! Tell her you love her!!! Don't let her leave!" she screams at the TV as she watches Carrie Bradshaw pound her now ex-fiance over the head with her bridal bouquet.
    
     "NO ROSE! Don't let go! Don't ever let go!" she cries out between choked sobs as Jack slips beneath the icy surface of the Atlantic and into the frigid abyss below. She's up on her knees now, pushing piles of tulle out of the way so she can see the TV.

     When she's done, she puts everything away and everything changes. She's a normal person now; her facade of being happily alone is back into place. She goes to sleep murmuring, I want to be maaaaaarried ... I want someone to loooooooove me ... I don't want to be loooooonely .....


How to tell if you've encountered a fake bride:
1) NO RING. The fake bride rarely wears a ring. "It's being sized," "It's being cleaned," or "He's letting me pick it out myself and I haven't gotten around to it yet," are three of the most commonly used excuses for this breed of bride.
**Author's note: WHO would get around to buying a wedding dress before picking out the ring? A moron, that's who(M?).  Don't ever do it and don't ever believe this excuse.

2) She says the wedding isn't going to be for another 3 years .... because they have to wait until they graduate from high school. This "bride" will usually have braces, blue nail polish, and braided string camp bracelets adorning her wrists. She will also say that she has to leave when her mom gets there to pick her up and then go to cheerleading practice. She'll also be carrying a book from the Twilight series or be wearing a T-shirt with song lyrics on it.

3) She can't remember her fiance's name ... or where they met, how long they've known each other, what he looks like, or her own name, for that matter.

THESE PEOPLE ARE EVERYWHERE.

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